The InSite: What made you believe long
distance/Internet relationships can work?
I've met a lot of people over the years who are
skeptical about them. This is usually because they
don't really understand how close you can get to a
person that you've never met. I've been in a few
long distance relationships, and I understand how
special this kind of relationship can be. Often you
get closer to the person you are involved with than
any person you have met [in the "real"
TI: Are you in a long distance / Internet
relationship right now?
Vicky: Yes. For nine months now and I can
honestly say it is the most positive and loving
experience with another human being I've ever had.
This is not to say that it has been easy. It
hasn't! I've had lot of struggles just like you
would in any other kind of relationship. Before
this one, I had several long distance relationships
which failed horribly.
TI: Why did those other ones fail?
Vicky: I was always willing to make it
work, but the guys just thought of it as a game.
[That's why] you have to be very careful
and make sure you know and trust the person before
you get to serious with them.
can you really "make sure" of someone you meet
TI: How can you really "make sure" of someone
you meet online when s/he could be posing as anyone
s/he wants? I mean, if you can't see the way the
person relates to other people, know nothing about
their reputation, and can't even look them in the
eye when you talk to them, how can you "trust"
Vicky: There is no definite way,
but if you talk to the person every night, and he
is open with you with his life, trust is something
[that] develops. If he goes out of his way
for you, there is very little chance that he's
hiding his true intentions. Also, it would also be
good to get to know his friends online as well.
[That gives you a more complete picture of the
person.] If the person is lying about who he
is, he cannot keep it up forever. He will
eventually get caught. [Things don't always
work out. ] You can be really hurt. I learned
that the hard way.
is no definite way...
TI: What happened?
Vicky: First of all, I was very young and
he was even younger then me. It was my first
relationship. I really just wanted to be accepted.
We really had no idea what we were doing. The guy
lived in another part of the country, and I kept
calling and calling him even after my parents told
me they couldn't afford it anymore.
TI: How come you kept doing it after they
told you to stop?
Vicky: At that time in my life, I was
starving for love, of any kind. I had never really
been popular with boys, was VERY overweight, and
this guy just said wonderful things about me, and
kept telling me he loved me. I could not get this
anywhere else. So you could say, I was a kind of
"addicted" to him. The final phone bills were over
that time in my life, I was starving
for love, of any kind.
TI: $3,000!? Over how long a time period was
Vicky: About 5 months. Then my parents
blocked off the long distance [service] on
the phone. but I found other ways to call him.
TI: Aside from that, were there any other
consequences or punishments your parents gave you
for disobeying them?
Vicky: Yes, there were many grave
consequences. At first my parents tried to be
understanding, they really were. Eventually I had
to be punished though. Around Christmas time I was
send to a group home. It was for my "compulsive"
calling, as they liked to think of it. I knew at
the time that it was not the calling that I was
addicted to, it was the guy. [Even though]
I had to stay in the group home for eight weeks, it
never helped me with my "addiction" but it did help
me in other areas, and eventually it was the reason
for my weight loss. After I got out of the home, I
was still calling him. (My parents made me work at
a pet store as a volunteer, to pay off the bill.)
But soon after that he lost interest and kept
TI: In what way did he do this?
Vicky: He was emotionally very abusive
towards me. I'm not sure if this was because of his
young age....or it was just his nature, but he was.
He called me names all the time. Hung up on me if I
said the slightest thing wrong, and lied to me many
times. I told him all the time he [was]
hurting me, and we did resolve it, but never for
long, it kept happening over and over. I still
don't know why I put up with it. I just wanted the
love he gave me in between the times he hurt me. I
finally realized this was a one-sided relationship
and stopped calling.
TI: Didn't that change your mind about long
Vicky: For a while it did. Then I pretty
much forgot about the whole thing, went about my
life. About four years passed and my mother got a
computer, and an Internet hookup. I was really
excited and went crazy. I did not take [online
relationships] seriously anymore and flirted
with everyone. I did not realize it back then, but
I guess the whole thing with that first guy had
more of an effect on me then was noticeable at the
time. Eventually I met my boyfriend, and that
changed my whole perspective. He stirred feelings
in me I had never felt before, and I knew he would
not be a repeat of [the other one].
did not take [online relationships]
anymore and flirted with everyone.
Eventually I met my boyfriend, and that
my whole perspective.
TI: How did you know that for sure?
Vicky: Well, my bf is just the kind of
person you knew you could trust right away. Plus, I
met him through somebody I had known online for
quite awhile. It was just the comfortable type of
feeling you get when you know that you want to be
with a person, as more then a friend.
TI: Is that who you are with now?
Vicky: Yeah, I can proudly say we are
still together. It's been nine months, but it's
been the most difficult relationship I've ever been
TI: Aside from the obvious "I miss you and
want to be with you" what else has made it so
Vicky: Me and my bf
went through a lot of rough times. At the beginning
of our relationship we felt we could not be
committed. We had to look for something
better....So, both of us kept trying to find people
that lived near us. We were both emotionally
confused about this, and it drew us apart many
times. Then he told me he could not be with me, he
was not ready for [this kind of intense
relationship.] His computer broke .. at the
same time, so I did not talk to him for over a
month. That must of been the most depressing and
confusing month of my life, I was very suicidal.
Also my bf was really jaded. He did not know at the
time that it was because he missed me. When he got
back online [and] we reunited, our
relationship became even more powerful. We both
agree now that it was better for us in the long
run, that we had that separation.
I can proudly say we are still
TI: What is different in this relationship
that makes it work?
Vicky: The most important thing is that
we love each other. The other guy did not care
about me at all. My bf
loves me as much as I love him. There is also
complete trust and honesty in our relationship. I
always tell him my problems and concerns, and all
about my day. He always respects and understands
me, and it makes our relationship sacred. Everyone
always says to me "What if he is with other girls
behind your back??" I just know he is not. He would
never lie to me. Another commonly asked question is
"How do you know he is really who he says he is?"
The answer is trust and honesty. It also helps that
I know a lot of his friends, seen many pictures
[of him], and talked to him and his parents
on the phone several times. :-)
TI: How do your parents feel about this
Vicky: At first we had a hard time
because nobody, especially our parents would accept
our relationship. I know that is definitely the
case for a lot of relationships like ours. People
never want to tell anyone, because they are either
ashamed or afraid they will be cut off from the
person they are with. You can't be afraid. What we
did, was bit by bit, was got our parents adjusted
to the idea, and made sure they knew about our
relationship. Eventually we presented to our
parents the idea of us meeting. They were quite
opposed to it, but as soon as our parents talked
with each other they felt a lot better about the
idea. Now we are meeting in a few months!
first we had a hard time because nobody,
especially our parents would accept our
TI: When you are going out with someone who
lives far away, how does that impact your "local"
relationships? In other words, how do you keep
involved with your life at school when your heart
is far away?
Vicky: I've never been much of a social
person in the first place, but there has been a
negative effect recently. It is in no way because
of my relationship with my bf, however. It was
because of my depression. I'm recovering nicely
now, and I'm getting back on track. In fact, I have
more friends then ever now! All of them understand
my relationship with my bf now, and they accept it
fine. My bf has actually encouraged me to go out
more and do things. I'd just rather sit and home
and write though. :-) So it really has had no major
effect, it is no different then if I had a
TI: What advice for other people in
long distance relationships?
Vicky: Most important of all, don't sit
back and expect it to work. You have to MAKE it
work. It can be very hard, but this is the same for
any other relationship. Never give up on it, even
if it seems impossible at first. Here are some tips
for making long distance relationships work:
1. Give yourself time to know
and trust each other before you start planning
anything to serious.
2. Keep the relationship healthy.
Excessive jealousy, mistrust, and trying to
control your bf/gf is not healthy.
3. Communicate with your bf/gf at
least once a day. Without communication there is
no relationship. If your bf/gf is online, TALK
to them! If something is bothering you, talk
about it to them. Even if it is just a little
nagging feeling, it is better in the long
4. If you love each other, and are meant to
be together, [things] will work out!
. . don't sit back and expect it [the
to work. You have to make it work . .
Communicate. Without communication there is