Transcripts from #TheInSite
The following transcript was recorded on
Tuesday, 27th January, 1998
with Terra of The InSite
©1997-2017 Electric Eggplant
Log file opened at: 1/27/98 19:01:11
NerioTIS: Hello everyone, and welcome to "Hey Terra!"
NerioTIS: Thanks for joining us!
NerioTIS: Today we are talking to Terra about
NerioTIS: Love 101: You always get what you need
NerioTIS: (even if it's not what you want)
NerioTIS: Boy have I ever been here - what about the rest of
NerioTIS: you? Have you ever been in situation where what you
NerioTIS: wanted wasn't what you needed.... or have you had
NerioTIS: your parents tell you about "tough love"?
NerioTIS: Please join our conversation! If you have a question,
NerioTIS: type a ? and we will add you to the list (type a !
NerioTIS: for a comment.)
NerioTIS: Thanks for joining us... now...
NerioTIS: Heeeeeeeeeere's Terra!
NerioTIS: Terra, do you have any opening comments?
Terra: Sure thing, Nerio. It's's almost Valentine's Day, and I've been getting lots of mail from guys and girls who are unhappy with their honeys, and want to complain and whine and blame someone else for the loser they're with.
EARTH_girl: anyone in the depressive valentines mood yet?
kitten: Oh yeah
Phreak: No EARTH, I can't wait for valentines day!
Terra: and hopefully get him/her back in shape in time for Valentine's but I say-
NerioTIS: lol Terra!
Phreak: that's too bad Terra ;-/
Terra: There's a good reason you are with the person you are with take a look- what is the lesson here? So tonight let's talk about losers we have loved, and what is the lesson? You always get exactly what you need.
EARTH_girl: I thought I'd had my first love- he turned out to be a loser.
Terra: No one is dating a loser or has in the past? Amazing!
Terra: Ah! Tell me about it Earth_girl.
EARTH_girl: We was fun to begin with,and I really liked him. THEN he got to be boring, annoying and immature
Terra: I hate when that happens, Earth!
kitten: I've had that happen too
EARTH_girl: Why couldn't I have realized this in the beginning?
Terra: Good question, Earth, but here's a better question.... Did he really change?
Sunkist: Then they start talking about how irresistible they are to other girls, and that just makes you mad
EARTH_girl: maybe I changed
Terra: Ah. Maybe if you had opened your eyes when you first met him.
EARTH_girl: opened them WIDE!!!
Terra: You were unwilling to see the boring stuff- you just were so thrilled to be "in love". Right?
EARTH_girl: yeah, I thought he was very interesting
Shoop1: Its not wrong to be truly in love.
Terra: Earth, has this pattern ever happened to you before when you got into a relationship with stars in your eyes, and then the guy seemed to grow increasingly irritating with each passing week?
EARTH_girl: and the sad part is I only thought I was in love after "you know what"
kitten: Why is it that Guys only tend to think about sex?
Terra: Okay.. Earth girl- would you like to prevent this from EVER happening again?
EARTH_girl: guys don't only think about it. Girls are just as bad,
Shoop1: I don't think so
EARTH_girl: except we get attached
EARTH_girl: yes Terra!
Terra: Listen up. Some free advice coming your way.
Terra: You need to figure out exactly what you get from guys that you first adore, and then ultimately feel superior to. I believe that there's a lesson in this for you. Maybe you are so enchanted with the idea of being in a couple that you are willing to "not see" what's really there.
MezzoTIS: Yes...that's soooo true
Terra: Be more choosy, hold out for what you want and get clearer on exactly what it is that you DO want. Make a list.
EARTH_girl: I've tried. Answer this.
EZGuest16: how do I find someone
Steve17: Terra you get whatever you want
Terra: EZ... first you have to know yourself, then know what you need in a relationship, THEN you will find the right person.
kitten: That's me
Terra: Kitten, I'm listening to you!
kitten: Guys usually have sex on the mind a lot
eddiem: all the time
Terra: I've noticed that, kitten.
NerioTIS: heh, to a degree, Kitten
kitten: So, is this fixable?
Terra: Kitten, how old are you?
Terra: And the guys you date are also 18-ish?
kitten: Some are about my age
Terra: Kitten, are you currently in a relationship?
kitten: Yes- have been for 2 1/2 years now
Terra: Kitten do I understand that you're boyfriend is more interested in sex than you are?
kitten: I'm not necessarily talking about my boyfriend, I'm talking about guys in general
Terra: Oh.. well let's talk about the relationship you've got. 2 and 1/2 years... is it working out okay?
eddiem: Why would you worry about guys in general and not your boyfriend?
kitten: I want to know about guys in general so I can keep them off me
kitten: We are talking about getting engaged this summer
Terra: Kitten... does this feel like the right move for you at this time?
eddiem: just say no
Terra: Kitten.. what's wrong with saying "Sorry, man. I'm not interested?' It's called creating boundaries. Do you have trouble with that?
kitten: I know that, but I can't even have friends that are guys because they want to be in a relationship with me
Terra: Kitten.. you must take a look at the way you communicate. it has to be direct and forceful
Log file closed at: 1/27/98 19:19:54
A gap of 30 seconds occurs in the log at this point
Log file opened at: 1/27/98 19:20:24
Terra: you're flattered by all the attention and like it. Is that partly true, kitten?
Shoop1: Most girls think that guys are in a relationship Just for sex but that isn't true, In all situations.
Terra: I'm glad you said that, Shoop- I agree.
kitten: I had just met this guy and five hours later he tried to kiss me. Believe me there was no attraction on my side
eddiem: Yes it is shoop
NerioTIS: and guys don't always think about sex, Shoop
Terra: Kitten... what can I say? Carry a baseball bat! :-)
eddiem: yes they do
Shoop1: I didn't say that
kitten: thanks *lol*
Terra: My pleasure, Kitten. You are a strong woman. Let them know you mean business. Who has a question about love, romance, sex and getting what you need?
Shoop1: Believe it or not some guys are in a relationship because they love someone
Terra: Absolutely, Shoop, and I bet you are one of them!
kitten: Yes I am happy to say I am in one of those relationships
Terra: Me too, kitten!
NoName: If you fall for someone, and it doesn't work out,what's the best way to get yourself not to fall for them?
Shoop1: I have a very healthy Relationship
Terra: NoName, let me get this straight. You are still in love with someone who is currently your ex?
NoName: Yeah. I still have feelings for him. We've been together off and on for the past 6 years.
Terra: Wow, long time to figure out that it isn't working out!
NoName: We always get back together thinking it will work itself out.
Terra: What's the point of the on again off again?
Shoop1: Exactly, Just because we didn't have sex doesn't mean I don't respect or love her any less
Terra: What's the biggest problem you two have?
NoName: We get mad at each other, take a break and then try again. Some days I really feel like he's the one.
Terra: I believe you Shoop! I do!
kitten: I think the feeling can come back if you haven't seen each other in a while
NoName: quite frankly, I think we're both too wrapped up in what we're doing.
Shoop1: I don't think we have any problems
Terra: NoName, what is the main thing that you two fight about?
NoName: Whether or not we should get married
NerioTIS: oh wow, NoName, that can be a hard one
Terra: NoName, this sounds like a habit after 6 years. you know what I think?
NoName: It is, and if we could ever agree at the same time, we'd probably be married.
Terra: You are using each other to avoid going out and actually finding the right person! Maybe you say you are trying to work things out, but it seems to me that what's actually going on here is "not working things out" forever. Is the sex good?
Terra: I thought so. What else does this relationship have going for it?
NoName: we know all about each other- we're friends, but we fight about petty stuff. We share the same interests.
Terra: NoName... what is keeping you two from actually doing the work you need to do- to clear away all the crud, and make a real commitment?
NoName: Neither one of us is willing to move. I'm in Boston, and he's in New York.
Terra: Oh- the long distant thing. That's part of the reason the sex is so wonderful- you don't get to see each other that often! The relationship doesn't get to develop
NoName: Even when we were both in boston living together, it was still great
Terra: past a certain stage, because you aren't living near enough to do the every day stuff Okay,...I believe you, but there has to be more- of course you know that.
NoName: Yuppers, I know.
Terra: Well, how much more time do you want to invest in this without a commitment?
NoName: I guess I'm just scared to make the commitment- and I think he is too.
Terra: That's is very obvious! How much more time do you want to stay on the teeter-totter?
NoName: Well, I keep thinking I can wait for the right person to come along.
Terra: If you are waiting for someone else, then you're heart is NOT in the relationship you're in! Be honest- No sex is that great. And if you're involved how can you meet "the right one"?
NoName: ::sigh:: you're right
Shoop1: See, we have a complete Relationship
LCB1: Whats the topic about? Free nooky?
Terra: Not exactly the way I'd put it, LCB- more in the context of a relationship. Not free sex. You know?
LCB1: nothing is free..
Shoop1: Sex isn't everything
Terra: True, LCB. All actions have consequences. True, Shoop, and if it's all you've got with a person you ain't got all that much.
kitten: I'll second that
LCB1: I'll third that.
Shoop1: I am not as interested in that as I am in her life
GrandMage: How can you say that you always get what you need when I need love, yet I haven't been on a date in 3 years?
Terra: GrandMage, I'd say that what you need in this period of your life is to learn that you are a whole human being, and do NOT need to be part of a couple to be complete. How's that sound?
NerioTIS: Sounds wise, Terra
Terra: I was asking Grand what he thought?
GrandMage: Not great
Terra: I'm sorry- what have you been doing for the past 3 years for your own self-development, I mean?
GrandMage: Martial Arts
Terra: That's cool- do you enjoy it?
GrandMage: 9 year with Martial Arts. Past three have been focused heavily
kitten: I don't see how but I'll have to agree
Terra: GrandMage, when you become at peace with yourself then you will have everything that you want To the extent that you are striving to "find" the right woman, then she will elude you. I suggest you keep working on what you love, and in that way, you will have that much more to offer in any relationship.
Terra: Make sense, Grand?
elmo2: I'm in a great relationship
GrandMage: Actually, my dedication to karate has made me nearly totally insane
Terra: Cool, elmo!
NerioTIS: great, elmo!
kitten: sorry to hear that
Terra: Grand, then if you feel that way, it's time to pursue other things.
GrandMage: I'm also a martial arts fanatic.
Terra: Grand, to be a fanatic is to close oneself off to all other possible pleasures and pursuits in life.
kitten: You need to fine someone with the same interests
Terra: open up, man- explore your self. Grand, does what I say make sense in your heart?
LCB1: Do girls really prefer lousy guys?
Terra: LCB, has that been your experience?
Chilllie: lousy guys? Please clarify
Terra: Too bad, Grand. Maybe you should try getting into yoga and meditation. You need some inner work.
Terra: Thanks for asking that, Chillie, I was wondering too.
Chilllie: I don't think everyone .
Terra: LCB, have you lost relationships because girls seem to prefer those other kind of guys?
Bulldozerm: I can not get a chick to not stand me up
MezzoTIS: try something other than chick LOL
kitten: Bull, do you want to dominate the relationship?
Chilllie: LCB1 how would you describe yourself?
Terra: LCB, my question is this. "Why do you keep falling for girls who don't appreciate you?" What is the lesson you need to learn there?
Bulldozerm: Sorry about the chick thing?
LCB1: intelligent, quiet, polite
GrandMage: In my area, NO ONE appreciates me
Terra: LCB, think about it for a minute while I talk to someone else.
kitten: Grand, you need to give yourself some credit
Chilllie: There's nothing wrong with those qualities ...it must be the people you're dating
Terra: Grand, it sounds like you don't value yourself all that much. And that you feel sorry for your situation. You need to develop more self-esteem.
NerioTIS: Terra... I think that I'm up. I actually have a comment.
Terra: Nerio... please go ahead.
LCB1: I guess I go for stuck-up gals..
GrandMage: Uhh...My self-esteem is too high. It's at the point of arrogance
NerioTIS: Anyhow, a comment to NoName on her relationship
Bulldozerm: if I cant say chick then I cant say anything
Terra: Sounds like it, LCB... the question is... "Why go for a girl you know in advance is going to be bad for you?"
kitten: Oh, well that's a different problem
Chilllie: although no one can be too nice. You might get taken advantage of. Everyone should be able t hold there ground w/o being rude
kitten: yes, Chilllie
NerioTIS: I was involved with someone for 6/7 years, and we split off sometimes etc etc and we talked of marriage. The only thing that was different was the distance (there wasn't any). And I always found myself thinking- "How can I agree to stay with this guy.. how am I supposed to know he's *the one*". I always was thinking "I should wait a little longer.. just to be sure". Anyhow, my comment is this- It seems that if you are thinking that what I think is happening when you hear the "is there someone else" Is the desire to SEE if there is someone else
Terra: I'm not sure I agree. I do believe that they might BE the one but the timing is off because you are too full of self-doubt to realize it!
Terra: But it's okay because there are many "right" people for each of us NOT JUST ONE. NerioTIS- does that ring true for you?
NerioTIS: Hmm.. to a degree, Terra
Terra: Nerio, some of us don't believe we deserve to be happy so we sabotage any relationship that looks like it might work
NerioTIS: Yeah, Terra... I've been there :-)
GrandMage: Fails for me
Terra: and that's part of an explanation as I see it for the "Maybe there's someone better out there" syndrome.
NerioTIS: Aah, interesting, Terra
Wally: Okay....well, how do you know when you're ready to have sex with someone??
Terra: Wally- great question! Here's my answer. Only YOU know the answer, and it has to be something that feels right for you and your partner. You need to talk about the "S' word, which is difficult for some people- even more difficult than just doing it!
kitten: Love must enter into the equation
GrandMage: With most of my area, that seems to be second date or third
LCB1: Always use protection!
Chilllie: Wally, having sex involves a lot more than physical emotions it involves feelings and maturity
Terra: There is no formula for the "right" time Wally, and too often young people get pressured into sexual relationships that they are NOT ready for. Teens know just a little bit about sex, a very little, and even less about love.
LCB1: Too young emotionally..
Terra: Chilllie, you are very wise..
Terra: Bull- what was your question, I'm sorry. I think I missed it.
Bulldozerm: I keep getting stood up- why?
Terra: Ah! I remember the question, Bull, and I have an answer, though you may not like it. Most people prefer to blame the "other" for relationship problems. In this case, I think that the girls you are choosing are not worthy of you, and they may agree to date you
Bulldozerm: I know that
Terra: but they are not telling the truth. I can't help them for their deceptive ways, but I can point out to you that you need to really get to know someone, and trust them, before you ask them out.
LCB1: don't choose "easy" girls.
Terra: You are rushing into the dating thing too soon before you even know whether the girl is a good match for you. Just take your time.
Terra: Okay, Bull?
Bulldozerm: OK- thanks Terra
vassago: is there such a thing as too soon Terra?
Terra: Cool- I can tell you're a good guy and any girl who really got to know you would love to go out with you.
LCB1: First date is too soon.
kitten: HELL YES!!
Bulldozerm: I know
NerioTIS: That's a wrap.
NerioTIS: Thanks for being here, Terra - look forward to seeing you next week :-)
LCB1: Thanks Terra!!
Terra: Well bye to all of you. Be good to yourselves, and do nice things.
NerioTIS: Have a good week Terra
Log file closed at: 1/27/98 20:05:46