Transcripts from #TheInSite
Conference:Viewpoint: Teen Relationships: When Love Hurts
The following transcript was recorded on
Friday, 6th February, 1998
with Todd Crandall, Youth Coordinator for TAPP
©1997-2018 Electric Eggplant
Log file opened at: 2/6/98 16:34:16
VenusCCC: Welcome to TheInSite as we present
VenusCCC: Our guest tonight is Todd Crandall,
VenusCCC: Youth Coordinator for TAPP
VenusCCC: Todd is here to talk to us about:
VenusCCC: Teen Relationships: When Love Hurts
VenusCCC: What are the warning signs of unhealthy
VenusCCC: relationships? How do _you_ help create
VenusCCC: healthy relationships?
VenusCCC: Please feel free to type a ? if you would like
VenusCCC: to ask Todd a question - you will be added to
VenusCCC: the question list. :-)
VenusCCC: TAPP is the March of Dimes' program for
VenusCCC: the Prevention of Battering During Teen
VenusCCC: More information about the March of Dimes
VenusCCC: can be found at:
VenusCCC: Todd - it's nice to meet you. :-) Would you like to take a moment to explain the work you do for the March of Dimes, and how you became involved in it?
ToddC: Sure, Venus. I'm the project associate and youth coordinator for the Prevention of battering during teen Pregnancy Project. I got involved because I have personal interest in family violence, relationship violence and sexual abuse of young people.
ToddC: I'll take questions any of you might have about relationships. Who has a question?
VenusCCC: Just as a starter for us all, can you define some of the more standard warning signs of an unhealthy/abusive relationship?
ToddC: I can do that. The partner is possessive. He/she tries to isolate you from friends and/or family, tells you what to do, who you can see, things like what clothes you should/shouldn't be wearing.
ToddC: they are critical or demeaning to you and use physical abuse. They manipulate and threaten. That's for starters.
VenusCCC: That's quite a list, Todd - and just as starters? Wow
ToddC: Any of those things sound familiar to any of you?
psa: What if the love is one sided?
ToddC: Psa... meaning what "one sided?"
psa: That only one person loves the other but the opposite person doesn't
ToddC: psa... are you the person "in love" or is your partner the one in love?
psa: Its me?
ToddC: psa... is the person you are in love with abusive?
Melissa: I don't think he likes me too much though
psa: No. He is my ex-fiance
ToddC: psa are you interested in getting back together with him?
psa: yes very much
ToddC: psa my advice is that you talk to your ex and tell him how you feel. Be clear with him, and if he feels the same way Great! Go for it If he doesn't process your feelings and move on this is NOT the guy for you!
psa: But he is not ready to talk to me about anything from the past
ToddC: psa give him time and let him come to you. In the meantime meet your own needs.
afjrotc: I have a point about teen relationships, I am a 12/m and me and my ex keep in touch a lot!
afjrotc: almost 13
Melissa: how do you know if a guy loves you?? It's hard to tell
ToddC: Melissa, that's a hard one to answer, but I can talk about how someone doesn't love you. People have very different ideas of how love in shown. Sometimes people think if their boyfriend/girlfriend is jealous that means they LOVE you it's important to know that that is NOT love.
RED1: Well Todd Jealousy is human. Not necessarily love though
ToddC: Or when someone wants to be around you ALL the time, needy or dependent, that is NOT love either that's real unhealthy behavior.
VenusCCC: Todd, it seems to me that an alarmingly high number of teens get involved in abusive relationships. Do you have any theories as to why this may be?
ToddC: Venus, sure I have several theories. For one thing we are not really taught how to have healthy relationships. There are very few role models for healthy relationships in the media. Often times our families are NOT good examples of loving behavior. And we don't learn how to communicate effectively in this culture. Sometimes we don't know how to communicate without violence.
ToddC: We are so often left to figure it out by ourselves. That's why so many teens have problematic relationships. Then they become adults who have problematic relationships.
ToddC: Who else has a question? I know this can be hard to talk about but it's very important that you try.
SilentBob: Ok, I work with this woman, and have had a crush on her ever since I laid eyes on her. We get to know each other pretty well and one night I decide to drop by her house with a friend. Now, me and her had never touched before, but once I got there (regardless to the fact that I had a friend with me) she was all over me.
SilentBob: "All over" meaning hugging and holding. Then we finished the night with a few kisses. Two days later I ask her to go steady with me and she says, "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "I've been hurt too many times before by others".
SilentBob: I've tried to ask her about her past but she clams up on me "big time" and refuses to tell me how she was hurt. I really like her still, regardless the fact that she ripped my heart out that night. I really don't know what to say to her that would make her feel safe with me.
ToddC: Silent Bob, I understand how you might have felt hurt by her behavior. It sounds like she might have some issues about relationships, and what she really needs right now is a friend more than a boyfriend. It takes a lot more than one night to build a healthy trusting relationship. Are willing to be her friend, SilentBob?
SilentBob: I'll do anything 4 her
ToddC: SilentBob, give her space let her know that you want to be her friend. A real friend listens approaches the relationship on an equal basis
CCComet: Great advice Todd!
ToddC: gives the other person space allows things to progress naturally without pushing
VenusCCC: And a good friendship is the strongest base for a good romance :-)
ToddC: ...or expecting things to turn into a romance. Immediately, or sometime ever. And that's not easy to do.
ToddC: The best thing to do is to be honest and communicate with her, and allow her to do the same with you. Also be honest with yourself, SilentBob. Good luck!
CCComet: Todd, I often wonder why people don't get out of abusive relationships. Especially violent ones.
ToddC: We're talking about healthy relationships. The warning signs of abuse- any of you have friends who have relationships you don't think are healthy?
VenusCCC: Yeah.. :-/
ToddC: This is a safe place to talk about what's on your mind. I don't see you or know you, and neither does anyone else you can speak freely here.
VenusCCC: That's a good question, CCComet.. and one I wonder about a lot
BRIGHT: freely, are you sure???
BRIGHT: yes I do
ToddC: Bright, absolutely freely! Go for it!
BRIGHT: I believe that all relationships are healthy
ToddC: Bright, explain what you mean. That's not my experience. Not what I consider healthy, anyway. But what do you mean?
BRIGHT: Relationships must be healthy or you won't have one
ToddC: Bright there are all kinds of relationships- work relationships, personal ones
BRIGHT: yes I agree
ToddC: romantic ones, relationships with our family. As you look around your life, Bright, would you consider all of your relationships healthy?
BRIGHT: yes or there will be no relationship with that person
ToddC: Great Bright. More power to you! We should all feel that way!
VenusCCC: Hmm.. seems to me that sometimes you don't have a choice if you are in a relationship with someone or no.
ToddC: You're right, Venus
BRIGHT: Humans must have control over themselves or we won't be happy:)
ToddC: I had very unhealthy relationships with both of my parents. I didn't have a choice. But for me that was normal, and I thought at the time that was how all of my relationships were supposed to be.
BRIGHT: Normal??? ToddC must be not too happy:(
BRIGHT: Todd , you can change it
VenusCCC: Bright - if you grow up in an environment where you are taught that the color red is called "blue" .... then you are going to think it normal to refer to it as blue
ToddC: Bright, I am happy now. It has taken me a lot of work to understand how to get emotionally healthy myself, and how to change or get out of my unhealthy relationships and start having healthy relationships with others and with myself.
BRIGHT: Forgiveness is very important to a healthy relationship. Forgiveness is a big aspect on this topic
VenusCCC: Todd - it seems to me that you might have answered the question CCComet posed earlier (though indirectly). Comet was wondering why so many people stay in bad relationships, or abusive ones. Would it be because to them that situation is the norm?
ToddC: Venus, EXACTLY!!! That, or sometimes people are too afraid to get out of a bad relationship for fear of their safety.
VenusCCC: How do you encourage them that that is _not_ the norm, Todd?
ToddC: when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, she has a 75% greater chance of being murdered by her abuser. If she has children she may fear for her children's safety.
VenusCCC: Oh wow- that is... that just knocked me speechless... :-(
ToddC: Venus. How do you encourage them that that is _not_ the norm? It's a long process. And one of the first steps, is listening and communicating to them that they DON'T deserve to be hurt. Which is difficult when that is what a person is used to. They have low self-esteem and may feel that that is what they deserve, but it is important to communicate to them that they are NOT responsible for the abuse, and that there is help
VenusCCC: yeah, that just screams my friend :-/
ToddC: ...and that not ALL relationships are like this, and that the victim of abuse should know that they are worth more than this, and more than they have been led to believe. Venus, if you have a friend in this situation, it's important to reinforce that you're there for her. That you understand. That you care for her, that help is available and that she does NOT deserve to be treated like this.
BRIGHT: I agree with you ToddC. And communicating is very important. I said that FORGIVENESS was important (it's a fact). Do you think so?
ToddC: Bright, I think forgiveness is an important part of our healing, but it has it's place, and it's MORE important to get yourself to safety and get out of your bad relationship you have to take care of yourself first.
VenusCCC: Todd... did you find that your unhealthy relationship with your parents has colored the relationships you have had since?
ToddC: Venus, totally! My mother and father are the 2 people I had my first relationship with. That's how I learned how to have relationships. My point of reference. My father was physically abusive, verbally abusive and psychologically abusive, and though I never got into a physically abusive relationship after I left home, many of my romantic partners were extremely psychologically abusive. It was directly connected with my self worth, because this is all I thought I deserved.
VenusCCC: Todd, what caused you to finally realize that you were in unhealthy relationships - how did you break the cycle?
ToddC: Good question, Venus! That break of cycle came from somebody I was involved with who almost got physically abusive with me, and after that I woke up right away and got help!
VenusCCC: _wow_ Todd, you don't hear about men being abused often by partners!
ToddC: Who else has a question about unhealthy relationships and what to do to get out or recognize the warning signs?
VenusCCC: I believe Bright had another question for you, Todd
ToddC: I know this is hard to talk about but it is important that you do if it's something that's bothering you.
ToddC: Venus, in this culture men have to present an image of being strong and secure. It's not easy to admit to being abused in a relationship because then you are seen as being weak or there's something wrong with you often times men don't realize that something is wrong because the culture teaches us to be "strong and quiet" about what hurts us.
MOTOR-XRAC: who is Todd Crandall?
VenusCCC: Motor - Todd works for the March of Dimes TAPP program
VenusCCC: Todd.. I have noticed that - our society teaches men to suppress all but the negative "angry emotions".
pcnet: Venus, I don't understand why someone can be so emotional about little things
ToddC: Bright thank you very much for your feedback Forgiveness is an important component of healing, but before you can get there, there's a lot of sadness , grief and anger. That needs to happen first.
pcnet: Yes but you need to teach yourself to be strong and THEN self-forgiveness.
ToddC: There is an estimate that 20% of male children are sexually abused in this country. yet we almost NEVER hear about it. That points to a huge problem!
ToddC: Venus, who is next?
foxy924: me and my boyfriend just got into a huge fight..i went to the movies with a guy's FRIEND (since 2nd grade) and when he dropped me off my boyfriend beat the shit out of me. Now I have 2 black eyes. I'm also pregnant with his kid and he kicked my stomach, then he ran off screaming to never mess with his emotions again. I'm going crazy- what if I lost the baby???? I feel like dying. Help me please
ToddC: Get off the internet right now, and get to the emergency room. Call 911 if you need to, and after that call a battered women's hot line.
foxy924: I just feel like killing myself
ToddC: ...or let the hospital do it for you. They can give you the help and support you need. This is VERY SERIOUS! DO IT NOW!!!!
khrome: why foxy?
ToddC: Foxy.. it's a crime to be kicked! That is ASSAULT.
VenusCCC: 1-800-656-4673 Foxy- that is the number for RAINN. They can help you get to safety
foxy924: Do you think he killed the baby???
VenusCCC: Foxy - we can't tell you that- You need to go to the doctor NOW .. because your baby's life could be in danger
ToddC: Foxy, get medical attention quick. Call 911- they send an ambulance. DO IT OKAY?
VenusCCC: We can't see you, Foxy - we can't examine you. You need to go to the doctor, hun
foxy924: My car broke down and I can't get a hold of anyone
VenusCCC: Foxy - call 911
foxy924: Ok thanks ill talk to you all later- thanks for your help
ToddC: Okay Foxy, good luck. Call 911.
ToddC: Wow! Amazing!
MOTOR-XRAC: My fiancee was killed last year while I was at a race. She died and so did our unborn son. How am I suppose to go on?
ToddC: Motor I'm so sorry. Are you getting any support, grief counseling, therapy of any kind?
clemaTIS: Motor, that's awful
MOTOR-XRAC: Not really. I have no family and only a couple of close friends that I trust.
ToddC: Get some therapy. It's a huge loss. You must have loved her very much
VenusCCC: Folks... this is about it for our conference.
MOTOR-XRAC: With all my heart. He lived for 16 minutes in an Incubator
ToddC: ...especially since since you had a family on the way. In the phonebook, in the very front of the of the book there should be listing of crisis and help lines. Call
VenusCCC: This can be a difficult subject to talk about, and you may
VenusCCC: feel safer reading about it..... you can find books at Amazon.com
VenusCCC: and look for these titles:
VenusCCC: "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew
VenusCCC: A guide for male survivors of sexual abuse
VenusCCC: "Allies In Healing" by Laura Davis
VenusCCC: A guide for partners of survivors
VenusCCC: "Bradshaw On The Family" by John Bradshaw
VenusCCC: A guide to all sorts of family craziness.
VenusCCC: "Revolution From Within" by Gloria Steinam
VenusCCC: "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
VenusCCC: A year-long book of daily meditations.
VenusCCC: "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz
ToddC: don't try to get over this alone.
MOTOR-XRAC: I have nothing but hatred for the world now
ToddC: Motor, I can understand your feelings. It's so important for you to find professional help. Someone to talk to. It is bad for you to try to keep it inside.
VenusCCC: Todd, our time is at an end. Do you have any closing thoughts for us?
ToddC: I'd like to say thank you for this opportunity. This was my first time in a chat room!
VenusCCC: ... let's give our guest a big round of applause!
VenusCCC: Thank you for being here today, Todd!
clemaTIS: Good for you Todd :)
ToddC: I wish everyone healthy loving successful relationships.
VenusCCC: It was _great_ having you here, Todd!
CCComet: Yeah Todd! Thanks for coming!
VenusCCC: A big thank you to my CoHost,
VenusCCC: Thank You!!!!
clemaTIS: Thanks Todd
khrome: bye guys and girls!
VenusCCC: Thank you for joining us today in
VenusCCC: #TheInSite for ViewPoint
VenusCCC: If you would like more information on
VenusCCC: abusive relationships, you can contact:
VenusCCC: Planned Parenthood
VenusCCC: March of Dimes
VenusCCC: Please join us next week at
VenusCCC: as we talk to Daniella about being
VenusCCC: seriously ill and still living your life
VenusCCC: to the fullest.
ToddC: Thanks, Venus and the rest of you too! Or check out The InSite's section on Abusive relationship (www.theinsite.org/relationships)
VenusCCC: heheh Todd - you beat me to it ;-)
bLog file closed at: 2/6/98 17:40:27