Transcripts from #TheInSite
Conference: Healthy Relationships
The following transcript was recorded on
Wednesday, 3rd December, 1997
with Carmel Adkisson of Transforming Communities
©1997-2017 Electric Eggplant
LilyCCC: Welcome the TheInSite!
LilyCCC: Our Topic: "Healthy Relationships: Taking Action"
LilyCCC: Our Guest: Carmel Adkisson of Transforming communities
LilyCCC: Welcome Carmel!!
LilyCCC: We are talking about dating violence
LilyCCC: our guest, Carmel Adkisson!
LilyCCC: If you have a question or comment for Carmel,
LilyCCC: please type in a ? and we will add you to the question
LilyCCC: list. We will get to everyone in order so please be
LilyCCC: patient! Again! Welcome!
LilyCCC: Hi there Carmel and welcome!!
LilyCCC: Carmel....what would you like to say to begin??
Carmel: Hi all! Today I'd like to talk about preventing domestic or dating violence
Carmel: Let's get to the root causes.
Bugs: who's carmel?
Carmel: I am, Bugs. I'm a community organizer for Transforming Communities an organization dedicated to
Carmel: creating safety and justice for women and girls. My job is to organize youth to become activists and create change in their own lives and beyond.
LilyCCC: Rather than being victims. Carmel?
Carmel: Has anyone out there ever volunteered and been an activist before?
LilyCCC: Carmel, I have. Many times.
Carmel: What have you volunteered for, Lily?
Bugs: Actually, I've wanted to, but since my hands are always full, I just try to do what I can for the one I'm raising
Liz: oooo, I think my aunt's husband beats her, but I'm not supposed to tell anyone
Carmel: Liz, I'd like to talk to you
Liz: o.k, but I'm not supposed to tell anyone
Carmel: What makes you suspect that he is abusive.
LilyCCC: Carmel. Battered women shelters. Wife of Vietnam vets with PTSD, I chaired coalition on teen [pregnancy..got a teen parent center built.
Pooh: My friend finally left an abusive relationship when I told her I didn't want her to end up like our other friend - her husband ran her over and killed her with their five year old son in the car.
Carmel: It's safe for you to talk here, Liz.
Liz: o.k. Well we spent the night there over Thanksgiving, and I heard him...in their room. He was yelling and she was crying. I heard something crash and then she ran into the bathroom and locked the door. She was crying for a long time
LilyCCC: Lots of things. Also have done debates on political issues like abortion, school funding.
SES-1: One of my friends makes her boyfriend beat her.
Carmel: It sounds like abusive behavior. Are close with your aunt?
LilyCCC: Oh Liz.....that must have been so scary!
Carmel: Would you feel comfortable expressing concern to her?
Liz: I don't know
Pooh: It sounds strange but the best thing I did was to back off and give up trying to make friends leave there abusive partners - as long as they know you're there if they need you.
Carmel: Pooh, good point!
Fancy: Liz-- how old are you?
LilyCCC: Folks..let's let Liz talk...
Carmel: Liz...what one of the teens I work with has done before is to write an anonymous letter to the woman expressing your concern, and letting her know that what he is doing is something that she does not deserve, and that there is someone in her life (you) that is noticing this too.
Liz: I could do that I suppose.
Carmel: This girl pointed out the abusive behavior- slamming of doors, yelling- letting the woman know was NOT normal. And not healthy. The girl let the woman know that it wasn't her fault, and that there were resources available to her
Pooh: Liz you could ask her if she needs you - they don't like to ask for help.
Liz: he came into my room too
LilyCCC: Oh my Liz.
Fancy: Liz-- did he hurt you or threaten you?
Liz: I was so scared
Carmel: Wow... what happened?
Liz: I pretended I was asleep
Fancy: Liz-- nice move
Carmel: did he do anything or just walk out?
LilyCCC: Ah Liz....I am sorry that happened to you.
Liz: he just mumbled something, and then pounded on my bed for a long time
LilyCCC: Was he drunk, Liz?
Liz: He hit me once- I think accidently but I have a bruise
Carmel: Liz were your parents at the house?
Liz: yes, downstairs, I had my own room,
Carmel: Did you tell your parents about this?
Liz: I cried so long. No I didn't tell them
Carmel: Liz that's a lot to hold inside.
Liz: I know, I don't know what to do.
LilyCCC: Liz. That is so very much not to talk about..
Carmel: Sounds like your Aunt's place is not safe for her or you I would DEFINITELY tell either or both of your parents Whichever one you feel would be the most supportive
Liz: I can't tell anyone
LilyCCC: Liz..why, hon?
Carmel: Why can't you tell anyone?
Liz: he told me not to
Carmel: Liz, ignore him!
LilyCCC: Liz, he cannot tell you what to do.
Liz: he threatened me. I can't, I just can't
Carmel: Liz if we are silent that allows the abuser to continue to abuse. What did he threaten you with?
Liz: I know, he said he would hurt my mom
Carmel: Okay Liz, listen. I understand your fear, but something needs to happen here
Liz: I can't talk anymore, my mom's home.
Carmel: Here's a number you need to call
Carmel: The National Organization for Victims Assistance- 1 800-879-6682
LilyCCC: Liz, tell your mom she can protect herself!!
Liz: o.k....maybe. I don't know
Carmel: People are on the lines 24 hours a day. The call will not be on the phone bill, they are there to support you
Liz: but I really have to go.
Carmel: in this VERY SERIOUS situation. It is against the law
LilyCCC: Liz, you can do it! Please call!!
Liz: we have to go to his house next weekend
Carmel: for a person to threaten either you, or someone else in your life, it is a criminal offense. He is breaking the law
Liz: I have to go..bye.
Carmel: 1 800-879-6682. Liz you have to make the call!
LilyCCC: Liz, take care of yourself..call!
Carmel: Will you make the call, Liz?
Carmel: I urge you to tell your parents. Let them know he has threatened their safety.. The more your parents know about this the more they can protect themselves and you.
Liz: I can't I'm sorry
Carmel: Liz is there any adult that you can talk to?
LOLLY7 says that if a guy ever tells you how to dress or not to hang around people, you have the potential for violence. That's where it starts!!!
Carmel: Here's my email [email protected] Write to me. You can talk to me. My name is Carmel Adkisson. I can help you.
Carmel: Liz, why can't you tell your parents, aside from the threats.
Liz: I just can't. I will write you though, I promise. My parents wouldn't understand
LilyCCC: Liz, do they do the same thing?
Carmel: Liz, is there an adult or counselor you could talk to about this, a teacher, a friend's parent?
Carmel: Liz has he abused you?
Liz: I don't have any friends. I can't tell. Bye
LilyCCC: Liz, you can tell- you are safe here!
Carmel: Liz you really need to call that number, for yourself. 1 800 - 879-6682
Liz: No I'm not...i'm sorry
Liz: I will try to get back on here tomorrow night if I can
Carmel: and I REALLY want you to write to me, honey. You're not alone- email me at [email protected]
Liz: yes I am. I always will be too
LilyCCC: Liz, no you are not. We will all help you!
Carmel: Yes, Liz, we are you're friends. There are hundreds of women and girls who are going through what you're going through
Carmel: you're not alone... there is help!
Liz: I can't he's coming, I have to go.
Carmel: You just need to keep reaching out. I'm so glad you came here today
Liz: I can hear him.
LOLLY7: no your aren't!!!! and if you need to get away there are many shelters if your life is in danger!
Carmel: but the silence cannot protect you
LilyCCC: Liz, I was hurt as a girl too. I know how it feels.
Carmel: I know it's hard and very scary. I've been there myself. Call the number and email me.
Liz: I keep on hearing him over and over and over again
Liz: tomorrow night, right here
Carmel: What time?
Carmel: What time zone, Liz?
Liz: I live in Wisconsin
Carmel: Central Time?
Liz: yes I guess so
Carmel: Okay, is it 6:30 there now?
LilyCCC: Yes,that is central time..
Carmel: Okay, I'll meet you back here tomorrow at 8:30 your time.
Carmel: For everyone
LilyCCC: Liz.....please take care of yourself...
Liz: Thank you
Carmel: People that abuse, especially when they are abusing children, will threaten to hurt the person closest to the victim, of threaten to expose the victim in some way. This is manipulation. That abuser
Liz: you have helped a lot
Carmel: KNOWS that if the victim speaks then he has a chance of being caught. It's so very important for victims of abuse to SPEAK OUT!
LilyCCC: Carmel..right on!!
Carmel: There are laws that will protect people
amyrie: they are too scared a lot of the time
Carmel: Restraining orders protect people
LilyCCC heart hurts...
Carmel: They protect people, they keep an abuser away from the victim. Threats are against the law now. If you threaten someone's life you can be prosecuted. People need to know what is happening in order to help. And there are more and more resources out there for victims of abuse.
Carmel: Lily, are there other questions?
TIStia: Isn't it true abusers always threaten you if you tell?
Carmel: Tia, it's not always true. If they can stop you from saying something without speaking a threat then they will. But threats are a very big part of keeping victims silent. Also victims feel silenced because of their own shame they feel or have been told by the abuser that it is their fault and that they asked for the abuse and unfortunately
LOLLY7 cries for all in the situation she is in. It hurts!!!!!!!
Carmel: a lot of society still doesn't understand how to support a victim. That's why it's SO important for education around this issue, about how and why abuse occurs.
LilyCCC: That was me. I didn't speak out of shame. Carmel..what are some of the long range effects of abuse to a woman?
Carmel: Lily, there are a lot of different things that can happen. Not every woman is the same of course, and different women heal differently.
Carmel: but effects can be:
Carmel: low self esteem
Carmel: mistrust of relationships
Carmel: Post traumatic stress syndrome
Carmel: Health issues if the abuse has been physical or sexual
Carmel: general feelings of inadequacy
Carmel: but support groups, therapy and activism can help women reclaim their lives
LOLLY7: I feel guilt every time I try to leave because he plays guilt trips by apologizing. I need help
Carmel: Lolly, how can we help you?
LOLLY7: I just want to know where I can get help for marital violence
Carmel: Lolly here is an number for you
Carmel: 1 800-879-6682
Carmel: This is the National Organization for Victim Assistance
Carmel: It provides crisis intervention and over 15,000 resources. Lolly what's going on in your marriage?
LOLLY7: hold on I'll,ll whisper
Carmel: Okay... I'm listening carefully.
Carmel: I see.
rainbow: I have a really bad problem with a relationship with my best friend
Carmel: Until Lolly sends her message, how about the next questioner, Lily?
LilyCCC: Carmel..you spoke of activism earlier....what are some things we can do?
Carmel: Lolly all my strength to you, sweetheart!
Carmel: In regards to supporting battered women and girls we can volunteer at shelters, by training on a hot line, by donating food clothing time, babysitting hours for women and children in shelters
rainbow: I volunteer at shelters
LilyCCC: Carmel..I hadn't thought of babysitting time!
Carmel: we can get involved as a group to start talking about domestic and dating violence, neighborhood watch groups, asking our police force if they treat domestic violence seriously. We can write to companies
Zula: Sorry I can't relate to anything abusive..love to be loved
LilyCCC: Carmel..what kind of companies?
Carmel: that advertise their products by glorifying violence, or sexualizing violence.
issa5: I can relate to the topic
Carmel: We can support women's equality
rainbow: my relationship isn't abusive, it's depressing, that's all
Carmel: because when women are treated equally we are afforded the right to be SAFE!
Carmel: You can start a network like girls in my county did
issa5: I was in a abusive relationship
Carmel: when they started National. Organization. Of Women clubs in their schools
Carmel: and started doing
LilyCCC: Carmel..can you name some companies that promote domestic violence?
Carmel: school education pieces on sexual harassment, dating violence and general sexism.
Carmel: Lily, none promote it, but our media community action team wrote three postcards to Sharper Image when they advertised a "night vision scope" by implying that it could be used as a "stalking or peeping Tom tool!
LilyCCC: Yikes Carmel!
Carmel: After our three postcards, they pulled the ad!!! YAY!
LilyCCC: Yay Carmel!!!
Carmel: thanks, Rainbow. I'm glad you think it's interesting.
Carmel: Next question?
LilyCCC: Carmel..can you please re-post the violence hotline number and your email address?
Carmel: Rainbow... if you call 1 800-879-6682 they will help you.
Carmel: Issa you can email me if you like. In fact, I hope you do.
LilyCCC: Folks.,..our time is up for today
TIStia: I want to Thank Carmel and LilyCCC for such good work and a great conference!!!
Carmel: Issa if you want to talk about the abusive relationship you were in, or anything. because we're running out of time here.
LilyCCC: Please help me in thanking Carmel.....for he compassion and information!!!
LilyCCC: Yay Carmel!
Carmel: Thank all of you for being so honest and open.
issa5: no thanks I helped my self just thought maybe someone would here my story
LilyCCC: Also thanks to TIStia and to all of you for your great input and openness!
Carmel: See you next week.. same time same place.
Log file closed at: 12/3/97 8:03:01 PM
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