Entry #3: Telling the truth.


I've been thinking about the way I lied about Becca's idea for the play. I feel like a real butt-head. Tell me what is the point of me feeling so superior about being truthful and honest and all that crap when I can't even say what I feel? I am such a loser! And the weird part is that I think Becca knew that I was lying. There was definitely something in her eyes. A look of surprise and maybe hurt. Like she expected more from me. Anyway as soon as I said her idea "sucked" I felt stupid and the more I think about it, the more confused I get. Why did I say that? To impress Dee or Miguel by agreeing with them? Dee doesn't mean anything to me, so why did I feel like I had to get on her good side? And Miguel, I don't even know the first thing about the guy! Why am I such a phony?

It was raining when I got up and even though I didn't want to go boarding I sure didn't want to hang around the house listening to my brother's sensory stimulation tapes blasting through my walls. So I went to the mall, which is not a place I like to hang out. it just wreaks of commercialism and phoniness. Buy this jacket and you'll be cool! Get these shoes with this nifty little symbol on the side and your life will be transformed! And the girls who walk around the place! They're like in packs, huddled together, all wearing the same clothes, same hair. All they gotta do is look at each other to see themselves. I guess they think there's some kinda security in that. I don't know. It's like, in their eyes, the worst crime is to have a unique perspective on anything.

Anyway, I was heading for Mind's Eye Bookstore, which is a cool place with a great poetry section, when I passed this coffee place and there's Becca sitting at a front table with some old lady. The old lady was laughing and waving her hands around and Becca was laughing too! When I saw her, I realized for the first time, that she is pretty. I mean, I don't think I ever saw her smile before. She's so serious at school, barely even looks at people. Always taking notes or reading or hurrying off to class. Anyway, seeing her there, she looked, nice, friendly. I wanted to go over and say "Hi!" then I remembered that stupid lie I told and I thought I should just probably keep on walking. I mean, it's not like she saw me or anything. And I started to walk away but then I thought that in this phony place wouldn't it be cool if maybe somebody, like me, did an unphony thing? So I went over to talk to Becca. And it turned out she was with her Aunt who seemed like a very cool lady even though she only spoke Chinese and I couldn't understand what she was saying. But there was like this energy around her, friendly, direct, honest, enjoying life. I dug it. And just as I was standing there wondering whether I could tell Becca the truth about what I said, her aunt put her hand on my arm. Kind like a touch that you'd get from a grandma who was encouraging you to do something you're afraid to do. And as soon as she touched me, all the wondering vanished and I realized that I wanted to tell Becca the truth. I needed to tell her. For myself and for honesty in the world, or something.

So Becca and I walked toward the bookstore and I told her that I had actually lied the other day about how I felt about her idea. And that I was sorry. And I promised that from now on, I would always tell her the truth, because I somehow feel that she can take it. Then I asked her if she forgave me. She didn't say anything for a minute. And I started feeling like maybe I shouldn't have bothered and all. So I figured it was time to go and I said, "Bye" and started to walk away and you know what she said? She said "Thanks." And when I heard that, I was glad I talked to her.




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