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I've
been thinking about the way I lied about
Becca's idea for the play. I feel like a
real butt-head. Tell me what is the point
of me feeling so superior about being
truthful and honest and all that crap when
I can't even say what I feel? I am such a
loser! And the weird part is that I think
Becca knew that I was lying. There was
definitely something in her eyes. A look
of surprise and maybe hurt. Like she
expected more from me. Anyway as soon as I
said her idea "sucked" I felt stupid and
the more I think about it, the more
confused I get. Why did I say that? To
impress Dee or Miguel by agreeing with
them? Dee doesn't mean anything to me, so
why did I feel like I had to get on her
good side? And Miguel, I don't even know
the first thing about the guy! Why am I
such a phony?
It
was raining when I got up and even though
I didn't want to go boarding I sure didn't
want to hang around the house listening to
my brother's sensory stimulation tapes
blasting through my walls. So I went to
the mall, which is not a place I like to
hang out. it just wreaks of commercialism
and phoniness. Buy this jacket and you'll
be cool! Get these shoes with this nifty
little symbol on the side and your life
will be transformed! And the girls who
walk around the place! They're like in
packs, huddled together, all wearing the
same clothes, same hair. All they gotta do
is look at each other to see themselves. I
guess they think there's some kinda
security in that. I don't know. It's like,
in their eyes, the worst crime is to have
a unique perspective on
anything.
Anyway,
I was heading for Mind's Eye Bookstore,
which is a cool place with a great poetry
section, when I passed this coffee place
and there's Becca sitting at a front table
with some old lady. The old lady was
laughing and waving her hands around and
Becca was laughing too! When I saw her, I
realized for the first time, that she is
pretty. I mean, I don't think I ever saw
her smile before. She's so serious at
school, barely even looks at people.
Always taking notes or reading or hurrying
off to class. Anyway, seeing her there,
she looked, nice, friendly. I wanted to go
over and say "Hi!" then I remembered that
stupid lie I told and I thought I should
just probably keep on walking. I mean,
it's not like she saw me or anything. And
I started to walk away but then I thought
that in this phony place wouldn't it be
cool if maybe somebody, like me, did an
unphony thing? So I went over to talk to
Becca. And it turned out she was with her
Aunt who seemed like a very cool lady even
though she only spoke Chinese and I
couldn't understand what she was saying.
But there was like this energy around her,
friendly, direct, honest, enjoying life. I
dug it. And just as I was standing there
wondering whether I could tell Becca the
truth about what I said, her aunt put her
hand on my arm. Kind like a touch that
you'd get from a grandma who was
encouraging you to do something you're
afraid to do. And as soon as she touched
me, all the wondering vanished and I
realized that I wanted to tell Becca the
truth. I needed to tell her.
For myself and for honesty in the world,
or something.
So
Becca and I walked toward the bookstore
and I told her that I had actually lied
the other day about how I felt about her
idea. And that I was sorry. And I promised
that from now on, I would always tell her
the truth, because I somehow feel that she
can take it. Then I asked her if she
forgave me. She didn't say anything for a
minute. And I started feeling like maybe I
shouldn't have bothered and all. So I
figured it was time to go and I said,
"Bye" and started to walk away and you
know what she said? She said "Thanks." And
when I heard that, I was glad I talked to
her.
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