Entry #6: Is it worth the risk?


I'm sitting here playing around with this loose nail on my fourth finger left hand. I wouldn't have even noticed it except that it got caught in my sweatshirt when I took it off before PE. Now there's this sharp point that's sticking out like a built-in knife or something. It hurts when I touch it but for some reason I keep on touching it. Weird huh? It's like some strange attraction to pain or something. I think a lot of people are like that. We all have this inner knowledge that maybe what we're about to do is going to end up to be bad news or worse and it's going to fill us with all kinds of emotional pain and mental anguish and yet we totally ignore what we know and go for it anyway.

You're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Me too. But I think it has something to do with being afraid of the pain of love. You see I think I'm falling in love with Becca. I'm not entirely sure because I've never been there before, in fact there is definitely a part of me that doesn't even believe I am there now but then again, maybe I am. And even though the feeling is very nice there's this fear that comes with it, the old "What's going to happen when it's over?" And that's the pain that I am trying to resist and at the same time, I am totally out of control and unable to resist it. I mean, I don't want to get hurt or to hurt anybody, but well... let's get real! People our age just do not have relationships that last. Most adults don't either but teens certainly don't and so it just seems inevitable that whatever I feel going in to this with Becca it's not going to be real pretty at the other end. But is that going to stop me? I don't think so. I just want to be real with her and make sure that whatever we feel we can talk about. I figure that way, no matter what happens, at least we have a chance of staying friends, real friends. The problem is (aside from all the stuff that's going on inside of me) that I don't have any idea how Becca feels about me. So the BIG question is: Do I say anything to her or not? And if I do say something to her, what do I say?

Anybody out there in the universe have any ideas????

Email me, please!




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