Miguel's Journal




Entry #19: Don't boss me around.


Maybe the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is doomed to fail. I mean how many couples do you know that actually are happy together for more than a few weeks. Then... BAM it's over, and they each go looking for someone else to get together with. I've seen it all around me. So what made me think that it would be any different with me and Dee.

Sure it seemed like we had some stuff going for us, but ever since that thing happened with Juan, I've been feeling like she's trying to be the boss of the relationship or something. You know, it doesn't feel right for the woman to be in charge. I dunno if I'm saying that the man has to call all the shots. There are plenty of Latinas who seemed to be almost afraid to show a guy that they have an opinion. I don't like that. In fact, I think part of the reason I was attracted to Dee in the first place, way back in the beginning of the year, was because she knew how to stand up for herself. But what I don't like, is when she starts telling me how to be a man.

Okay, well, maybe she hasn't done that exactly, but the feeling I got when I punched Juan in the face was a whole lot better inside than the feeling of listening to Dee tell me that she wanted me to stay away from him and not do anything to defend her honor. I'm sorry, maybe I am more macho than I thought, but that just seems wrong to me.

Isn't that what a man can do for a woman? Protect her? Take care of her? Defend her honor when it needs defending? There is a part of me that believes that this is in my blood. And the last thing I want to do is pretend that I don't feel this way. A man has certain feelings that are natural to him and I don't believe that a woman can understand this. Maybe that's where Dee and I took a wrong turn.

You see, we went to this party and Cleavon offered me some dope. I'm not really a smoker. I mean, I have had weed before, especially at parties at my old school, since I've been at Sandale, I have not missed it. I don't like feeling out of control and for me, the high I got from marijuana was like a haze over my brain. On the one hand, it made me kinda relaxed, but on the other hand, I found that I was not very alert and I like to know what's coming down, you know? So when Cleavon offered me some pot I was going to say "no" In fact, I was just about to say it when Dee tells me that she doesn't want me to have it. Well, it just felt like a mother talking to a little kid and even though I love Dee, at that moment, I resented her for trying to boss me around and tell me what to do.

So to get back at her, and to show her that I didn't go for that, I took the joint from Cleavon and took a good long drag on it. I could tell Dee was pissed at me, but I didn't care. It serves her right for trying to be the man. I could tell she was mad even before she said she wanted to leave. And to tell the truth, I didn't really care whether we stayed any more or not. I was feeling hazy from the pot and when I feel that way, I would rather not be around a bunch of people I don't know. But then Cleavon started ragging on me for letting my girlfriend tell me when it was time to go. So I told Dee that I was staying. She gave me a look that kinda said, "You are being a jerk and I don't want to be around you when you're like this." And she left.

It got worse after that. I smoked some more pot and had a beer. Everyone around me started looking very weird and I felt like I really needed to get out of there. I remember the phone ringing and someone said that the neighbors were complaining about the noise. The next thing I knew I heard police sirens out in the street and I just got the hell out of there as fast as I could. The pot and the beer made me feel unsure about where I was exactly. I remember running down one street and getting to the corner, and not knowing which way to turn. I heard another siren in the distance and my heart jumped. I ran to the left as fast as I could and tripped on something. I went down hard, banging my knee on the sidewalk. Through the rip in my jeans I could see the blood oozing from my scrapped skin. My stomach felt soggy and my brain was twisted. I was scared and I wished I'd left with Dee. The sirens faded and I pulled myself to my feet and after several wrong turns, I came to a main street I knew. Twenty minutes later I was home.



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