Good old Mom and Dad. We love them. They love us.

So what is the problem?

Parents want to protect their kids. (And sometimes they try to control them.) Kids just want to be free. So the conflict here is all about the struggle for independence. (Before they can really make it on their own.) Growing up and separating from your parents is a natural thing. And the arguments? Also natural. But all-out warfare? Who needs it! Let's talk peace strategies.

Dealing With Divorce Major conflict time for everyone involved. But you can survive.

Conflict Resolution Strategies

As you grow up and become more independent you and your parents have to adjust to your changing wants and needs. Even though they love you and want to see you growing up, this usually causes conflict.

Everyone Wants To Be Listened To.

Suppose you tell your parents you want to stay out later than your curfew. They say "No." You accuse them of trying to control your life and soon you're in a screaming match. What can you do?

Use "I feel" statements instead of blaming them. Listen when they talk. Tell them that you want them to listen to you, too. You might discover that your parents are worried about your safety and not interested in controlling your life at all. When they see you talking to them in a respectful, non-blaming way, your parents might notice that you are trustworthy and mature. You might even be able to renegotiate your curfew time and together come up with a curfew that suits your needs and their comfort level too!

Clear Rules and Consequences.

You need to know what the rules are and what to expect if you break them. It's also important for you to be part of deciding exactly what the rules and consequences are. You might approach your parents before you plan on doing something and set up the guidelines together. Think about the following topics and then discuss them with your parents:

• How much time is too much on the telephone?
• What kind of grades do they expect me to get?
• What grades do I want to get?
• How often can I go out on the weekend?
• Can I get my drivers license on my 16th birthday?
• Do I have to eat dinner every night with the family?
• Should my TV time or computer time be limited on school nights?

If you talk about stuff like this before it's a problem, maybe it won't become one at all. And if it does become a problem, you guys will have done some of the groundwork so talking about it will be easier.

Follow these basic guidelines:

• Don't try to talk when you are fuming. Set up a time to talk when you are "cooled off" and they are "cooled off."
  
• Agree to listen to each other without interrupting, judging, or analyzing.
  
• Use "I feel" statements when you talk rather than blaming each other.
  
• Don't assume anything. Like you know what they'll say so why bother listening! You deserve respect and so do they.
  
• Figure out your part in the conflict and what you could have done differently. This will definitely help things be better next time!

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

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