Hey Terra!

Terra's Past Letters


From just friends to more?:
"I want to preserve the friendship but I also really like her."

Hey Terra,

There is a girl at my school that I "really" like and I need to know if she likes me. Before now I've always stayed away from high school relationships because I know 99% don't go anywhere. If I ever liked a girl I would wait before doing anything, because I would know that it's most likely a crush, and, true to the form of a crush, my feelings would go away.

The longest crush I had lasted about 6 months. About a month after this crush ended I talked to another girl and for the rest of the day I was thinking about her. It was near the end of the semester, and she was going on a semester abroad, so we only got to talk about 3 times.

After she left I just did what I usually do, I just ignored it but it wouldn't ignore me. I thought about her every day. I didn't she her at all, didn't know her number or any contact information. Once school started this year the only thing I paid attention to was who was in my classes, in case she was in one of them. I never saw her at all at school and in early December I finally got her number and called her house to learn that she was on another semester abroad.

She got back in late December, and I called her in early January and asked if I could talk to her about her trips because I was looking at doing one (which I am). We met at a coffee shop and talked for 3 hours about what she did on them, and what had happened when she was gone, but not about what me met to talk about (which I didn't mind).

When we went home she said to call her if I ever wanted to do anything or was just bored, because she didn't have anything to do before school stated (the second semester). I called her the next day (Friday) and we went to a movie on Saturday. Since then we have gone to dinner and to another movie. I also talk to her every day in government class, which is the only time we usually see each other.

My problem is I am very dense at times, and paranoid that people are being nice to me out of sympathy (this did happen in middle school a bunch). I know I like her (I'm not that dense), and I know she likes me at least as a friend. But what I want to know is does she like me as more? I would like to preserve the friendship, so just asking her could cause problems.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dense and Paranoid


Dear Dense and Paranoid,

(by the way, I don't think you're either)

It sounds like you are growing a friendship with this girl. It's very cool that you are taking the time to talk and get to know each other. (Most of the email I get are from people who get involved sexually with someone they barely know and then after the fact they write and ask me "Do you think he likes me?")

So, bravo for taking the time to become friends with this girl! The chances of it developing into something more are much greater with friendship as the foundation. (Because with friendship comes trust, mutual respect, open communication, etc. Everything you need for a healthy relationship -- which are the only kind worth having anyway.)

So, what to do next? Don't get all stressed out trying to define her feelings for you. She obviously enjoys your company -- no amount of "sympathy" is going to get someone to encourage a friendship when they don't like being with you. So, quit ragging on yourself! The girl likes you. Does she like you in the same way you like her? Only she knows the answer to that one.

My suggestion is that you keep doing what you're doing... Talking to her, spending time with her outside of school. It's all good. It will develop in the direction that feels most comfortable to both of you.

Until that direction becomes clearer... Smile, relax, and enjoy yourself!

I hope this helps.

In friendship,


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