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Terra's Past Letters


From just friends to more?:
"I want him to be committed to me."

Hey Terra,

I have been best friends with this guy for three years. We have a lot of sexual tension in our relationship. We both like each other Romantically, but he isn't looking for a committed relationship. But every time we are together we end up fooling around or having sex. I'm on the pill and he uses a condom most of the time. I love him and I like having sex with him, but if I were to get pregnant I could not care for a child and I know we couldn't care for a child. How do you think I can get him to want to be committed to me?

Wanting More


Dear Wanting More,

There's no way you are going to "get him to want to be committed" to you. That's his choice. You are "friends with benefits" and people in that role usually don't change into a committed relationship unless it's what they both want. What he's got going with you is way too easy, and it sounds like he may be unwilling to do the emotional work it takes to be in a committed relationship. (Just guessing, of course!) Sure he likes you and he enjoys the sex, as you do. You say that you "both like each other romantically" but the evidence isn't there. If he wanted to get serious you would have known about it before this long, right? And here's another question for you to think about... What do you think would happen if you or he met someone else and fell in love? Do you think your arrangement with your best friend would end or not?

Here's the truth, you are in a sexual relationship and not getting what you really want. My guess is that you have been hoping this would lead you to what you want with him. How much longer are you willing to do this? That's your choice.

And by the way, using the pill should protect you from getting pregnant, but using a condom "most of the time" won't protect you from getting a sexually transmitted disease. How about insisting on "every time"?

In friendship,


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