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Terra's Past Letters


"My bf's ex is getting in our way."

Hey Terra,

I am in a relationship right now. I knew this guy thru my college friend. We have this mutual understanding and we decided two months ago to join/share in an apt. We are doing ok everyday, we are on the adjustment period.

But as of now I am starting to get crazy because his ex gf is calling him. They talk in front of me, and I feel bad because it seems like they still have an understanding with each other. They broke up 8-9 months after being together for 7 years. I am worried coz they've been together until the guy came to this country last year. So I don't know if it is right to email the girl and tell her not to call my boyfriend anymore because when I approached my bf, it seems like he doesn't want me to call the girl and tell to stop calling. Or should I go away? Although he assures me all the time, I don't know if it is really true.

Worried Girl


Dear Worried Girl,

It sounds like you feel threatened by the ex gf and yet your bf is giving you no indication that he wants to get back with his ex. You say that you have a "mutual understanding"... Does that mean you have an agreement not to talk with any ex boyfriends or girlfriends? Do you feel like he is betraying your relationship by talking to her?

The fact that he is talking to her "in front of you" is a good sign. He may be hiding absolutely nothing. If the two of them are truly just friends and nothing more you have nothing to 'worry' about. If their friendship still bothers you, then talk with your bf about it and see if you can reach a compromise. Be reasonable though. If you're feeling suspicious without cause, then the problem isn't the old girlfriend, it's your insecurity and it would be good for you to examine what's behind that.

If, on the other hand, the ex gf is calling to cry and beg your bf to get back with her, then that's a whole other matter. If that's what's happening then it's your bf's responsibility not to encourage his ex to continue this. He needs to tell his ex that he's not going to take those calls from her any more. And he needs to stick to it.

So, you need to find out what's really going on here. If it's an innocent friendship, then deal with your insecurity. If it's an ex gf who is trying to wedge herself between you, then your bf (and not you) needs to let her know that's not going to happen.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,


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