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Terra's Past Letters

 

Age difference:
"I'm in love with a 21 year old player."

Hey Terra,

I'm 14 and my sister just had her 21st party. A lot of cute guys were there and I started to like this one guy. PROBLEM!!! He's 21. He know how old I am and he still made out with me. After the kiss I knew I was in love with him. I told my sister and she told everyone I've known almost my whole life. Now, everyone wants to murder this guy but no-one blames me for any of it. I feel really terrible that I have to forget my first love. I knew my mom would find out so I told her. She nearly killed me and hasn't said 2 words to me since. I really love him and I'm in love with him but I've also heard that he can be a player. I don't want him never to speak to me again but I also don't want to forget him and what we had... please help me.

Juliet

 

Dear Juliet,

I understand that it was very exciting and romantic for you to make out with this older guy... But you've got to get a grip on reality! You say you don't want to forget "what we had"... What you had was a make out session. That's it. It was not a relationship. Do you see the difference? Do you see how your overactive imagination is transforming him into the "love of your life" when you really haven't lived much yet?

Here's something else you ought to think about... For a 21 year old man to come on to a 14 year old girl, well, that's just smarmy. If you don't know that word, how about the word "unethical" or "predatory"? He was wrong to kiss you in that way. He was taking advantage of you. Not because he had real feelings for you, as a person, but because he knew he COULD do it and you (being only 14 and inexperienced) would probably let him. That was self-serving on his part. You say that you've heard that he can be a "player"... Well, that's exactly what he did with you. He played you. You think you are "in love" after one kiss. He was just looking for some easy action.

You say that you "really love" this guy, but that's not true. You are in love with the idea of someone loving you the way he pretended to with his kisses. The people who really love you and care about you are very angry at him because they know that he took advantage of you and that it was so wrong of him. (You're lucky he didn't pressure you into doing more than making out, if you know what I mean.)

You are not to blame for what happened, but you need to wise up and start understanding the way of the world. If you "fall in love" with every guy who comes on to you... Then you will make some very poor choices and you'll regret them.

Talk with your sister about what I've said. Ask her what lessons she's learned in the years she's been dating that can help you take better care of yourself in the future.

As for your mom, after you've had a chance to think about what I've written and talked to your sisters (who love you very much), talk to your mom. Explain to her that you got swept up in the magic of the moment. That you didn't mean to do anything that would make her upset with you. Tell her you are thinking about the choices you will make in the future and that you always want her to be proud to call you her daughter.

Does this make sense?

In friendship,

Terra

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