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Terra's Past Letters


"I feel really bad and really dirty."

Hey Terra,

About 3 weeks ago, my bf promised to come over to my house on a Saturday (he hadn't been showing up very often). And sure enough, he didn't show up. Instead of sitting home alone I went to see this other guy who I was interested in before I met my bf. (I wasn't planning on cheating on my boyfriend or anything like that, I was just gonna hang out with the other guy).

After only a few minutes, this other guy started sweet talking me and trying to get me to have sex with him! I was really surprised because he had never acted that way before (then again, I had never been alone with him, and I strongly believe he had been drinking because he smelled like alcohol). Well, I didn't mean to do anything to hurt my boyfriend, but one thing led to the other and the next thing I knew, I was making out with this other guy, and somehow the kissing led up to me giving him oral sex.

I feel really bad and very dirty (I had never given a guy oral sex before, not to mention the fact that I had a boyfriend at the time that I did it). What should I do? Should I break up with my boyfriend? I don't have the heart to tell him because ever since that night, my boyfriend has been showing up on time and he's been treating me really good. It's really tearing me up inside.

Please help me!!!

Bad News


Dear Bad News,

You made several really bad choices with that other guy.

  1. To go to the guy's house because you were mad at your boyfriend for not showing up
  2. To stay there even though you knew the guy had been drinking
  3. To let him kiss you, etc. when you were "not planning on cheating on your boyfriend or anything like that."

I know you feel "really bad and very dirty" and I'm not going to add to those bad feelings, but you say that "some how" the kissing led to oral sex. It sounds like you really don't know HOW it happened! Is that possible? Who makes choices for you? You do. So you have to be awake and aware otherwise you continue making choices that lead to lots of regrets and bad feelings. (Not to mention the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease or a sexual assault.) And you don't want that kind of life, I'm sure.

Okay, the past is the past. You can't change what happen, so what do you do now?

Step #1: Acknowledge that you messed up. Take responsibility for choosing what happened (you can't change it if you don't admit that yeah, well, it didn't just happen "some how," what happened is that you chose to give the guy oral sex).

Step #2: Tell yourself the truth about why you did what you did.

Step #3: FORGIVE yourself.

Step #4: Decide whether you want to tell your boyfriend the truth. That's a tricky one, but what if he finds out about it from someone else. (Certainly possible.) Wouldn't it be better if he heard the truth from you first?

Your decision. I hope this helps you sort things out a bit.

In friendship,


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