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Terra's Past Letters


Abusive relationships:
"I'm not getting what I want from my bf but I'm afraid to make him mad."

Hey Terra,

I love my boyfriend so much. He's caring and amazing and my family loves him, but there is one problem. He gets in these random moods where it's like he doesn't want me. I know he loves me but it makes me so upset! I feel like I'm not getting enough attention and sometimes he doesn't treat me good enough. He knows this and always apologizes and asks if I'm getting enough attention and to not hurt his feelings I say yes. How do I ask for some more attention and love without hurting him or making him mad? He's such a good guy, and I'm his first gf. I don't want to lose him, but I need to fix this! Help!



Dear Deprived,

You're not helping the situation by not being honest with him. You say you "don't want to hurt his feelings"... Well, what about YOUR feelings? They count too!

And if honestly saying how you feel about the way he treats is going to "make him mad" then there is something very wrong here.

Without honesty a relationship can't grow in healthy directions. You have not been honest. And part of the reason is that you don't trust your boyfriend and his "random moods." Without trust a relationship can't grow in healthy directions.

I don't want you to think I'm putting all the responsibility on your shoulders for "fixing" these problems. That's not how relationships work. BOTH partners need to understand the problems, acknowledge what they're doing to contribute to the problems and... with willingness, work together to make changes in their behavior.

If you haven't talked to him yet about what's bothering you, then that's your first step. If this kind of honest conversation makes him "mad" then that's something you're going to have to deal with... The worst thing would be for you to keep quiet and put up with bad treatment because you're afraid he'll get "mad" and you'll "lose him." If he really "cares" and "loves" you as much as you say, he should want to make you happy and treat you with respect. If he's not willing to talk about it and do his part to make things better, then he's not ready to be anyone's boyfriend.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,


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