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"How do I get over my jealousy and insecurity?"

Hey Terra,

I am really confused, jealous, and sad at the same time. It is weird. My girlfriend is a cowgirl and I am a prep. I love her very very much and I am kinda sure she loves me. But for some reason, I still get jealous a lot and I can't keep from it. We have been going out for 3 months and all. She goes to a different school and all and I don't see her a lot, maybe 3 times a week if I am lucky. She tells me she loves me very much and has done many things to prove it, but I wonder if I will ever be replaced. She says I am perfect but what if there is someone who is like me but has her interests? How do I get over the jealousy? I have talked to her many times about this and she understands and all because I have told her many of my relationships have ended with them either cheating on me or dumping me for another guy. How do I get over this jealousy and insecurity?

It is killing me, almost literally.

Thanks if you can help.



Dear Confused,

It's natural if you've been hurt, rejected, betrayed in past relationships that you would have some difficulty trusting your current girlfriend. That's why you feel jealous... because you don't trust her and you don't really believe that she will be there for you. You also, on some level, may be feeling that there's something wrong with you. That you must have done something or failed to do something in your past relationships and that's the reason the other girls left you. If you believe you aren't worthy of being loved, then there's nothing your girlfriend can do or say to make you believe that she really loves you.

As you can see, past experiences as well as decisions from the past can continue to play a major part in the way we handle our relationships. And it's not likely this problem is going to go away by itself. This is complicated stuff, that's why there is no easy answer to your question: "How do I get over this jealousy and insecurity?"

The fact that you realize these feelings are getting in the way of your happiness is a very good sign. The next step is for you to talk with someone (like your school counselor or another caring adult) about these feelings and see if he/she can help you understand where they come from and what you can do to "un-learn" the pattern of jealous and insecure behavior.

I wish you well.

In friendship,


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