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Terra's Past Letters


Sex and Sexuality:
"My guy friend wants to be friends with benefits and I want more."

Hey Terra,

I met this guy about two years ago and we are really good friends. I love him very much. He says he loves me too but he doesn't show it, but deep in my heart I feel that he does. He wants to be "friends with benefits" so that we can have sex but I don't know what to do. What if I get hurt or he leaves me after? I would be crushed. He says he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend but he wants me in his life. I just don't understand it.

Very Confused


Dear Very Confused,

You "don't understand" because your set of values is different from his. You love him. You want to be in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him. To you that means everything.

And what does he want? Well, he wants sex. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what he's said. He doesn't love you. He probably likes you. He certainly likes you well enough to want to have sex with you. But I wouldn't be terribly flattered by that if I were you or optimistic that that means something more than it does.

You want him as a boyfriend. He doesn't want that. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that if you give him sex you'll get what you really want. It doesn't work that way. If you give him sex then he gets what he wants and when you start to pressure him to give you what you want (that is... an emotional connection, a loving romantic relationship with everything that goes with it) he will probably create distance and end the "friendship."

If that happens, my guess is that you will regret having had sex with him.

In friendship,


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