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Terra's Past Letters


Sex and Sexuality:
"My friend just lost her virginity to a total jerk."

Hey Terra,

My friend (14) just lost her virginity to a guy who is a total jerk. Well, I guess he's nice and stuff, but he doesn't think of what's best for her. They've had sex twice and both times they didn't use protection. Right now she's waiting to see if she's pregnant (she was lucky last time). I'm really worried and upset because she doesn't even act like she is in love or happy. She just sorta said, "ok." It's like she needs him to feel good about herself. I don't know whether to yell at her or be sympathetic.



Dear Worried,

Too bad your friend isn't as worried about her future as you are. She's very lucky to have a good friend like you in her life... But how do you get even a best friend to listen to your good advice? You can't. (Sad but True.) Maybe if a whole bunch of her friends got together and had a serious talk with her, she might listen... but no guarantee.

Look, you probably know that you have zero control over the choices she makes or the way she thinks, feels or her attitude that she "needs him to feel good about herself."

It's really frustrating and sad when people we care about act in ways that seem like they don't care much about themselves.

You are absolutely right on the mark when you say that this guy "doesn't think of what's best for her." He's in it for the sex. (Hate to be so blunt, but that's the truth.) A guy who cared about her would take responsibility for using a condom. Maybe it would help to point that out to your friend... Think she'd hear that or does she believe that he loves her??

Your friend is too young to be having sex. And the fact that she's risking pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases by having unprotected sex just shows how clueless she is about what is best for her. She needs someone to help her out of this mess.

You say you don't know whether to "yell at her or be sympathetic." It sounds like you are perfectly clear that she's making really bad choices here. How is your "sympathy" going to get that message across? It's not. So don't bother.

As for yelling at her, hey, you're not her mother so I doubt that yelling is going to wake her up.

Speaking of mothers, where is her mother? She's the one who should be talking to this girl. Do you know her mother? Does your mom know her mother? And where is your friend's father? Don't tell me, let me guess... She doesn't have much of a relationship with him (or maybe none at all). Am I right? And how do you suppose I know that? Because girls who have healthy relationships with their dads do not usually have sex at age 14 with guys who don't care about them. Girls whose dads are there for them know that they deserve to be treated with respect by boys. They don't choose to have sex at 14 with "total jerks" just so they can "feel good" about themselves.

You're a smart girl. I can tell. You know your friend's making bad choices. If she keeps it up, her "luck" will soon run out and she'll get pregnant.

So, you're her friend and you want to know what you can do? Well, what have you tried so far?

Write back and we'll talk some more.

In friendship,


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