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Terra's Past Letters

 

Breaking up:
"He started to push me away... Far away."

Hey Terra,

Me and my boyfriend just broke up last week from 1 year and 5 months. He said he wanted to separate b/c he was tired of hurting me and he knew he couldn't change. We both messed up in the past and we were doing good for a while and then he started to push me away... far away. We were engaged 2 times and we almost had a son but I lost it. I know he loves me but he is just scared of his feelings. We are both young and he don't wanna be held down. The last time we talked he was being a jerk. He said, "Look... write this down... I'm gonna go back to school and hook up with this other girl. I'm gonna be happy." And he kept turning his music up tryin to drown me out. He then said we were best friends and he will always love me. I'm his 1st love. I want him back so bad. I'm hurting so much. I love him so much. I want to talk to him but he don't wanna talk to me I wish he will grow up.

Lil Lost Girl

 

Dear Lil Lost Girl,

I'm sorry to hear that the relationship between you and your boyfriend doesn't seem to be working out. It sounds like you are hurting very badly right now. It's painful and very sad to lose the love of someone you have held close to you for a long time.

It might help you to think about why he said he broke up with you. He said "I am tired of hurting you." In what ways has he been hurting you? Has he been cheating on you? Lying? Not treating with you the respect you deserve?

Sometimes when we lose a relationship we can only long for the good parts of it that we remember. But if you give yourself a chance to take a step back and look at things from some distance, you may see that there were things (like the "hurting") that were not so good to be a part of. From the details you have given, the 2 broken engagements, the way you both "messed up" in the past, it sounds like this relationship has often been a struggle. Maybe your ex bf has finally done a very honest thing by ending it because obviously, there were problems between the two of you that never got resolved. Even if you got back together, without getting some serious counseling to help you understand what's been going on and how not to repeat the same mistakes, it is unlikely that the two of you can make this work.

You certainly have the right to talk with him and express your feelings, but he has the right NOT to listen (which is exactly what he was choosing to do when he turned up his music and tried to "drown you out"). He also has the right to be with someone else and be "happy."

Here's my suggestion, give yourself some time on your own to think about what did not work in this relationship. Think about how you felt every time he "pushed you away." How did you feel when the engagement was broken not once, but twice? How did you feel when he "hurt" you and acted like a "jerk."

Maybe what you are really missing is your fantasy of what this relationship was, not what it actually was. Maybe he's not the only one who needs to "grow up." Maybe with some time to think about the way you want to be treated you can develop a different idea of what you need and what you have to offer.

One more thing, regarding your miscarriage. Please understand that when a miscarriage occurs it is NOT the fault of the mother. It is nature's way of saying "something is not right with this fetus." Miscarriage is not that uncommon. In fact, between 10-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. While it is a very normal reaction to feel sad at the loss of a pregnancy, it is not helpful for you to feel any guilt about it. You're not guilty of anything because there wasn't anything that you did to cause it. If you need to talk with someone about your feelings relating to this loss, you might want to call Planned Parenthood at 1.800.230.PLAN. Their hotline is open 24/7 and the people who answer the phone a very kind and caring.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Terra

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