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The InSite: How did your eating disorder start?
Barbara: When I was eight years old, on top of
the fact that my parents were going through a separation and
eventually a divorce a few years later, I was sexually
abused by my grandmother's boyfriend. I felt like I stopped
living. I became very quiet. I stopped expressing myself. I
became very fearful and secretive. I didn't want anyone to
know what was happening to me. With the abuse, in connection
with my parents' separation and all the craziness that
occurred during that time, I felt very much out of
control.
TI: I have heard that people with eating disorders
have a need to control their lives, but instead, they
control the amount of food they eat or do not eat. In that
way, at least, they control their bodies. Was that true for
you?
Barbara: I think that's part of it, but for me
I needed to take the focus off of the abuse that was
happening, and the emotions and fears I had around my
parents' separation.
TI: Clearly you were dealing with some very heavy
situations. That's quite an emotional burden for a little
kid.
Barbara: Absolutely! There's a lot of talk about
family and pressure from friends [in the development of
eating
disorders]. Maybe athletics. Now there's also
attention being placed on cultural factors. The one thing I
find lacking is the discussion of childhood traumas,
especially sexual abuse. It's very good for me to talk about
it, because I haven't and it's important for my own healing
to discuss it. Perhaps someone [with this
experience] will be able to connect a little bit
more.
TI: Sexual abuse is a control and power thing on the
part of the abuser and fear and intimidation is used to keep
the victim silent. Since you obviously weren't talking to
anyone about what was happening, did anyone notice changes
in your behavior?
Barbara: What I remember, what I thought at the
time, was that no one cared enough to notice what was going
on. The abuse was going on right in front of them at times
and no one noticed. Perhaps the adults in my life at that
time would tell a different story. I don't know. I do know
that my mother used to say, "Oh, we're going to go to
Grandma's house today." And I wouldn't want to go. That was
a signal to her that something was wrong because I loved to
go to my grandma's house.
The
abuse was going on right in front of them
...and no one noticed.
TI: So you sent a signal something was wrong, but your
mom didn't follow up on it?
Barbara: She did, but only after this man who
abused me had cornered a female cousin of mine who is four
years older than me. My cousin had an awareness of what was
appropriate and what was not. When he cornered her and tried
to kiss her she automatically ran to her mom and told her
what happened. My aunt called everyone in the family and
said, "You need to talk to your kids and see if this
happened (to them)." That's how it was discovered. It was
pried out of me. I wasn't ready to let go of that.
TI: That must have been incredibly painful for you to
talk about!
Barbara: Yes! There was a huge amount of guilt
and shame. I believed there was something wrong with me. I
was different. I trusted this man. He was my friend. What
did he do? I didn't understand what was happening. Yet I
couldn't go to anyone and ask.
TI: What happened when you told your mom?
Barbara: She started crying and I started
crying hysterically after a while because I was angry at her
for making her tell me but also relieved at the same time. I
specifically remember saying to her, "Don't tell Dad." That
was my biggest fear at the time. I didn't want him to know.
Anyone else she could tell.
TI: What were you afraid would happen if your father
found out?
Barbara: That my father wouldn't love me
anymore. Or that he'd leave. I was the only daughter. Or as
he put it, his favorite daughter. My mother lost the
relationship she had with my dad and I didn't want that to
happen to me.
TI: How long were you holding on to this terrible
secret without telling anyone?
Barbara: I don't remember exactly. Though it
seemed to go on for a long time.
TI: What happened after you told about the abuse?
Barbara: I think there was some disbelief that
this could happen. My mom, aunts and uncles wouldn't let me
out of their sight. I don't know what happened to the man
who abused me. There are stories. I think the family had a
talk with him. He quickly left and was never heard from
again. I thought my mom told my dad about the abuse right
away but I found out years later that my dad wasn't told
about the abuse until after this man was long gone. My
therapist at the time told both of my parents not to talk to
me about the abuse unless I brought up the subject first. I
never brought it up, so we never talked about it. The abuse
remained a secret.
TI: Did you resume the close relationship you had with
your grandmother?
Barbara: Yes, that came back! Because once he
was gone there was no fear of going to her house and
spending the night there. I felt free to do that again.
TI: What happened next in relation to your body and
food?
Barbara: I just did not feel safe in my body. I
felt, "If he could abuse me, anyone can." And, not that I
wanted anything bad to happen to my brothers, I was also
wondering, "Well, why didn't he do anything to my brothers?"
Because they're boys and I'm a girl and I'm different. Both
of my parents placed a great deal of value on their physical
appearance. My dad worked out like crazy, at that time he
was a weight lifter. He would get angry if he had to miss a
workout and was careful about what he ate. In an Italian
family where just about everyone was overweight, my mom was
the exception. My mom was born thin and remained thin. Her
hair was always just right. She had the make-up, the
clothes. She used to go on diets and weigh her food on
Weight Watcher's scales. When she got upset, especially
after the separation, she would eat vanilla ice cream and
cry into the ice cream. Just sit there with the half gallon,
eating it and eating it. And then I'd see her not eat the
next day or not eat very much or stress out about eating. I
was in that environment. I was witnessing my mom
experiencing difficult things about being a woman. I
thought, "If it's this bad [for me now] gosh, look
at my mom! She's completely upset all the time." Part of me
did not want to grow up and become a woman. I don't want to
blame my parents. I was given mixed messages from them and
the other adults around me. I know my parents loved me, they
were just dealing with a lot of their own issues as
well.
I
just did not feel safe in my body.
TI: Sounds like you didn't have any positive role
models. Weren't there any women in your life who were
comfortable being women?
Barbara: Not that I remember. That was a
problem. Especially when it came to starting my period. All
I heard was, "Oh, you're going to gain ten pounds every week
before you start your period! You're going to have pain.
You're not going to be able to do certain things." There's
always negativity about being a woman. "Girls don't do
that..." Things I wanted to do. Or things I wanted to say.
Or ways I wanted to dress. I always felt that it wasn't
appropriate. [I remember] my mom suggesting it was
time for us to go out and buy me bra. I remember yelling at
her, "NO!" Running down the hallway, slamming the door and
locking myself in my room. I wanted nothing to do with it.
I'd rather hide the fact that my breasts were
developing.
TI: Did you have any girlfriends you were close with
at this time?
Barbara: I had close friends in elementary
school but never discussed the changes in my body with them.
When my family moved to Sacramento, I left all my friends
behind and started 8th grade knowing no one. So I didn't
have any close friends. At that age I was competitive in
gymnastics and so for me, developing into a woman was also a
hindrance in gymnastics. A lot of the girls were really
young, really talented...
There's
always negativity about being a woman.
TI: And really small, right?
Barbara: No hips. No bras. No nothing! Because
they were kids. They had an easier time doing certain tricks
and were chosen to do special events that the older kids,
such as myself, were not chosen for. We had these
"springboards" made for different weight categories. For 100
pounds and less there was one board, which almost everyone
used. Then there was a special board for 100 pounds and up.
One girl on our team was fully developed as a woman, but she
was about 14 years old. She needed to use the board for 100
pounds and up. Every time it was her turn, the coach had to
make a special trip [to get the board]. There was
giggling from the other girls. "She needs the 'heavy'
board." I also remember being fitted for a new leotard
andß having to go weigh myself. At that point I think
I was 101 pounds. I never weighed 100 pounds before so I
freaked out. I went downstairs and the mothers of the other
girls [who helped out] asked me what my weight was.
I said, "98." I was so incredibly praised for still weighing
less than 100 pounds. Of course, I didn't weight less than
100 pounds but that's what I told them.
TI: What was your relationship with food during this
time?
Barbara: If I took all this food in my room and
ate it really fast there was a strange sense of this calming
that came over me. Even when it was so rushed and frantic -
I had to eat everything right then and there and not let
anyone know about it. There was a sense of calmness that
would rush over me and I'd feel okay. I'd almost feel numb.
Over time the numbness wasn't as effective as it once was.
Once I actually started to make myself throw up that really
made me numb. And after so many times it would pretty much
relax me to [the point] where I couldn't do
anything. I wouldn't feel anything physically. And mentally
and emotionally I wasn't there either. I was just like a
shell of a person. I didn't have to deal with anything.
Everything would just get pushed aside until the next time
and then it would resurface and go through the binge and
purge cycle again.
If
I took all this food...and ate it really fast...a strange
sense of calming ...came over me.
TI: It sounds like you were using food as a
drug.
Barbara: Yeah! [Laughing] I used it to
numb myself and get rid of emotions I wasn't able to deal
with or I didn't think were "appropriate." I would push it
down with food.
TI: When did the throwing up start?
Barbara: The first time I tried to make myself
throw up I was 11 years old. But I wasn't successful 'til
age 18. I remember I threw up and then I cried and at that
moment I thought, "Okay. What the hell did I just do?" I
thought it was stupid and that I would never do that again.
That's not what happened! I played this game with myself
that I could handle this. "This is just something I do every
now and then. It's no big deal." Rather quickly it began to
escalate. The thing I thought I had control over became
something I felt I had to do all the time. It was in control
and I was not.
TI: When did you realize you were in trouble?
Barbara: When the only thing that I could think
of was the next time I could eat, what I would eat, how I
was going to hide things from the rest of my family and
after I moved out [to go to college] how was I going
to hide things from my roommates. I could not get these
thoughts out of my mind and I dropped out of college for a
full year. I realized that I couldn't focus on anything
[else].
TI: Were you talking to any counselors during this
time?
Barbara: I called the health center at school
and told them I wanted to come in a speak with a counselor.
You go in for your first appointment, which is only about a
half hour long, and you basically tell someone your life
story. You never see this person again because they refer
you to someone else. In my case, I wasn't referred to a
counselor but an eating disorders support group on campus.
Before you can participate in the support group you have to
meet with the therapist who runs the group. I went in the
speak with her and by that time I had educated myself to the
point [that I knew] by eating junk food all the time
[even if you throw up afterwards], some of it will
be absorbed [by your body.]. So I switched from
eating junk food to eating healthy food. Basically I would
eat vegetables and throw up vegetables. I remember this
counselor asking me what I binged on and I said,
"Vegetables." And she said "I don't think you have an eating
disorder." From that moment on I shut out everything she
said and I just waited for time to pass so I could leave the
office. When a person comes to you and says, "I eat a large
amount of food and I make myself throw up. I'm obsessed with
this. I do it all the time." And the response is, "I don't
think you have an eating disorder." There's something wrong
with that!
TI: She thought because you were talking about
broccoli and not chocolate chip cookies you didn't have an
eating disorder?!
Barbara: Exactly!! Because I was focusing on
healthy food instead of junk food, I was technically not
bulimic.
So I got really pissed off and I never went back there
again. In fact, I was so angry, I avoided talking to
anybody. I wouldn't go see anyone else because I
automatically assumed everyone was going to think like that.
That I wasn't going to find someone who was going to help
me.
TI: I'd think a trained professional would be able to
recognize the symptoms of an eating disorder. I guess you
just didn't fit into her "picture."
Barbara: People have clear cut ideas about
eating disorders. You are either anorexic,
and you do this. Or you are bulimic,
and you do this. Or you're an overeater
and you do this. But for me, when I was younger, what do I
say was my problem? I don't know. Because I had patterns of
bulimia, but I didn't throw up. I exercised it off or I
starved the next day, which would be anorexia. I have a
difficult time explaining this to people. They'd like to fit
me into a neat little category, but I don't fit.
TI: What all those disorders have in common is using a
relationship with food to gain some control over an
otherwise, out-of-control life.
Barbara: Yes! It was also a way for me to hide
how I was feeling, because I actually numbed myself. Because
if I wasn't feeling anything I wouldn't have to deal with
it. I became very obsessive and controlling. I had to
control everything. Everything in my room had to be a
certain way. God forbid if anyone goes in my room I'd have a
fit, because something would be out of place. All kinds of
little things like that.
It
also was a way for me to hide how I was feeling, because
I actually numbed myself.
TI: Were you having any health problems?
Barbara: For a lot of bulimics, their weight
doesn't necessarily reflect that they're bulimic. You can be
any size and weight and be bulimic. But for me, I lost
weight and was very thin. My energy was really low. I
started to get more cavities. The dentist told me the enamel
had worn thin on my teeth [from the stomach acid in my
mouth].
TI: Any other health problems?
Barbara: I had soreness on my sides and in my
back. At the base of my rib cage. It's like when you're
really sick and you cough all the time. Your muscles get
sore. And it's the same kind of thing [when you throw up
a lot.] My voice was hoarse all the time. The glands in
my face swelled up. I had real dark circles under my eyes. I
had a general sense of not feeling good at all. But I
pretended that I was just fine.
TI: What finally happened that caused you to get some
real help?
Barbara: The day I decided that I could no
longer continue to be bulimic, the day that I actually
reached out and told someone was actually a real frightening
experience. I was home alone and...I went crazy. And I ate
and I threw up and I did this repeatedly. I don't remember
exactly how many times... maybe about five times. I
collapsed onto the floor and I was shaking so violently. My
heart was beating really irregularly. It would beat fast and
then it wouldn't beat, then it would beat really fast again.
I felt like I couldn't move and get up off that floor. And I
thought that I was going to die. And I just sat there with
that feeling. "No one's here. No one's going to find me for
hours. And I did this to myself."
TI: It sounds so lonely and scary.
Barbara: Yeah. It was awful. And then after
just laying there in silence I started to cry. When I was
strong enough to cry I was strong enough to get up and walk
into my room. Had my roommates been home I would have told
them, but they weren't. Surprisingly enough, I called my
mom. I sat on the phone with her for about half an hour just
shaking and trembling and crying not able to say anything.
She knew it was me on the phone but she didn't know what was
going on. I was finally able to explain to her what had
happened that night. And she said, "Are you telling me that
you're bulimic?" And I didn't answer. Then she repeated the
question and I answered "Yes." That was my first step. But
what people don't understand is that it takes time. And
people [who cared about me] thought that because I
reached out and told them I was bulimic that I was ready to
completely change. They gave me information and advice I
never asked for and questioned my behavior all the time. I
know they were just trying to help but they were not
helping. I just grew more and more angry and kept how I was
feeling locked inside.
I
just grew more and more angry and kept how I was feeling
locked inside.
TI: And only you can decide when you are ready to take
the next step.
Barbara: Exactly, but it took them some time to
realize that. The reason I even went to therapy was for
everyone else. To shut everyone else up. I don't think I was
going for me. I wasn't serious about it. I wasn't honest
with my answers to questions. [When I was asked a
question in group] I didn't think through things, I just
blurted out some answer I thought was appropriate. The
turning point came when I realized I needed to do it for
myself. That's when things changed. My relationship with
myself and with them (my friends and family) changed, when I
made the decision to take care of myself for me. That I was
ready to do this. That I was strong enough. That I could do
this. And that I could no longer continue with my old
pattern.
TI: What was the first step after making that
decision?
Barbara: I began to take my recovery seriously.
And I began to faithfully go to my support group meetings. I
got back into school. But I think what I did on a daily
basis was give myself credit for not bingeing when I ate a
meal and not making myself throw up after eating it. Before
that I only focused on the negative. On what I hadn't done.
On what I had done wrong.
TI: And when you stopped bingeing and purging, did you
start gaining weight, and how did you feel about that?
Barbara: Stopping bingeing and purging doesn't
happen right away. It takes tiny little steps towards
stopping completely. I would maybe stop for a day and then
go back to bingeing and purging. Then the spaces
[without bingeing and purging] got farther and
farther apart. And then I'd go a week or so. Then the
irrational thoughts would come in of "I'm gaining weight."
I've never gained a lot of weight, but obviously once I
started keeping food down I gained weight. My clothes were
always big on me and I noticed they weren't as big and I
struggled with that. Or I would start experiencing a
particular emotion or a sense of dissatisfaction with an
event that happened or blaming myself for something I had no
control over. And the only way I knew how to handle that was
to eat and throw up. Because for so long that's what I had
been doing and it numbed me and I didn't have to deal with
it. Well, eventually what helped was finding people I could
trust and talking things through.
Stopping
bingeing and purging doesn't happen right away.
TI: So you found a support group that you liked?
Barbara: Yes! It was great to walk into a group
and know that I wasn't going to hurt anyone's feelings. I
didn't have to protect a relationships I had with any of
them. I could talk about whatever I wanted to and leave. It
was a helpful environment for me to be in. And some of these
people would be honest with me about stuff. They would tell
me straight out what was going on because they had been
through it. I created a network [of friends who I
trusted and who I could talk to]. If something was wrong
I forced myself to verbalize it or write it down, if no one
was around. That helped me. Because internalizing it just
perpetuates the problem. And if I internalize it, I'm not
dealing with the problem and that makes it easier for me to
go back to being bulimic.
TI: How long was this road to recovery?
Barbara: I still consider myself "in recovery."
I am recovered but I'm still healing myself. I still have a
lot of issues with my body and my relationships with other
people. The actual recovery, stopping the cycle of bingeing
and purging, that seemed to take forever, but it didn't.
Maybe it took about eight months. At the beginning it was
moment to moment. The thoughts of food and bingeing and
purging and self-hatred and things swirled around in my head
every moment of the day. And when I would get through half a
day [without bingeing and purging] I was all right.
There were days when I would make it through the day and
there would be some event in the evening that I'd get really
upset about and I'd beat myself up about and then go on a
serious binge and purge for a couple of days. But then there
were other times, when I thought about what I was doing.
Rather than just doing it, I thought about it. And I worked
on thinking positively and not negatively. I gained strength
from that. And in that strength I found the ability to stop
for a little while longer. Slowly the gap between the last
time I binged and purged got a little wider. And then I'd
get to a month! And that was huge! And maybe I'd have one
day when I'd go back, but then I'd snap right back into it
[the positive way of dealing with emotions] and I'd
go another month [without bingeing and purging].
I
am recovered but I'm still healing
myself.
TI: So the norm became "not doing it."
Barbara: Exactly! And at that point I was so
determined not to do it any more. I realized how awful it
was. How destructive and devastating it was to me and what
it was doing to people around me. I was really missing out
on so much of life. Living is more than just a physical
state of being. It's actually experiencing life. Enjoying
life. Appreciating time with friends. Relaxing and being
comfortable. When I wasn't living I would think back and say
"I'm not living." And what do I want to do? "I want to
live!"
TI: I'm glad that you do! You seem like the kind of
person who has a lot to live for and a lot to contribute to
others. You know, eating disorders are a problem for lots of
people, especially teen girls and women. What would you say
to them, looking back on what you've learned, that might
help in what they are going through right now?
Barbara: What's important to remember is that
an eating disorder can be brewing for a long time and not
surface 'til years later. All that time it's brewing, the
eating disorder is being developed and nurtured. So the time
comes when you want to stop and recover, some people expect
it to stop right away. The thing is, you may have been
living this way for ten, fifteen years. You can't reverse
[that much] of your way of being in a day. It can be
done but it's going to take time. Give yourself the time to
go through that. It's tough, but it's possible.
I
was really missing out on so much life. Living is more
than just a physical state of being. It's actually
experiencing life. Enjoying life. Appreciating time
with friends. When I wasn't living I would think back
and say "I'm not living." And what do I want to do? I
want to live!
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