Transcripts from #TheInSite


Conference: Healthy Relationships: Taking Action.
The following transcript was recorded on

Wednesday, 11/05/97

with Carmel Adkisson of Transforming Communities

©1997-2018 Electric Eggplant

LilyCCC1: ***************************************

LilyCCC1: Welcome the TheInSite!

LilyCCC1: Our Topic: "Healthy Relationships: Taking Action."

LilyCCC1: Our Guest: Carmel Adkisson of Transforming Communities

LilyCCC1: Today: Dating violence

LilyCCC1: Welcome Carmel !!!

LilyCCC1: ****************************************

LilyCCC1: We are talking about dating violence

LilyCCC1: with our guest, Carmel Adkisson!

LilyCCC1: If you have a question or comment for Carmel,

LilyCCC1: please type in a ? and we will add you to the question

LilyCCC1: list. We will get to everyone in order so please be

LilyCCC1: patient! Again! Welcome!

LilyCCC1: *****************************************

LilyCCC1: Welcome Carmel...great to have you here!

LilyCCC1: you have something you would like to say to begin?

Carmel: Yes I am a community organizer and I facilitate a teen community action team. That means I give kids the tools, knowledge, and opportunities to make their own communities a safer place to be especially for girls and women.

scottie: What city do you do this in, carmel?

Carmel: Scottie. I work in Novato, Cal.

LilyCCC1: Carmel, at what age are you seeing violence in dating begin?

Carmel: It can start as early as 11 years old

LilyCCC1: Wow Carmel!!

Carmel: And it's very hard for teens to talk about for many reasons. First is it's usually their first relationship and they aren't sure what to expect. Another reason they find it hard to talk about dating violence is that there are very few adults teens feel they can trust.

Carmel: Can I ask a question, Lily? When you were a teen, or those of you who still are, who are the adults you can turn to?

tiskTISk: I turned to my sponsor

LilyCCC1: I know when I got raped at 18, I told no one. Not my adult. When you were that age you didn't feel you could trust anyone.

tiskTISk: ack...not good

Carmel: That's a good point, Lily. that's why our teens that we work with are really encouraged to support one another in coming out about issues in their own lives

tiskTISk: I see why

Carmel: It's really important for adults to see that abuse in relationships happens so very often for teens, and that they need the support from their peers and their community to talk about what has happened to them. And most important to know that they are NOT alone, and there are places that they can go.

LilyCCC1: Carmel, as a former abused woman, I can see the signs in other women. What does abuse look like in a teen in a relationship?

Carmel: Good question! Usually it starts out with jealousy that's one of the major warning signs.. because abuse doesn't have to be just "physical" It can be verbal, it can be sexual, it can be mental

Tarus: How about control?

Carmel: Yes, Tarus! Control is the major reason abuse happens. Our definition of abuse is "when someone forces you to do something you don't want to do or stops you from doing something that you want to do!"

tiskTISk: Why do teens let themselves get into that situation?

Carmel: Tisk- this is always the million dollar question. First off, the abuser isn't always a monster. No one falls in love with Hitler. Usually at the beginning of a relationship, everything is wonderful. that's why it's so confusing when an act of violence happens.

Tarus: It all begins with the feeling of love

Carmel: Tarus... yes!

LilyCCC1: Carmel, many women who end up in abusive relationships were abused in some form as a child. I imagine this is true for teens as well..if the abuser was a must be even tougher for them to tell someone

tiskTISk: Same thing with guys too, right?

Carmel: Lily, true. We see this, but because we know about 60% of men will be abusive to their partners in some way shape or form during their lives, abuse in childhood doesn't mean that there is a pattern set.

LilyCCC1: No kidding..about the 60%.

Carmel: Okay, I want to get back to that question about why girls get into the situation. it's very important to know why women or girls stay in abusive relationships. That way we can support them in getting out. There is something we call the cycle of violence. It explains why it is so confusing. After an incident of dating violence, usually we see the boys or men going into a remorseful stage.

Carmel: They see what they have done, know that it's wrong, and are TRULY sorry. Since the girl was in love with the guy before the incident, she really wants to believe that he wants to change. he's REALLY sorry and promises that it will never happen again.

Carmel: Once she has taken him back, there is a stage we call "Hearts and Flowers", where the guy is making up for what's happened. He's everything she's always dreamed of. After that stage, we see the same old crap happening- just day to day, nothing special.

Carmel: Once he tires of this stage, we go into what's called "Carping". That's when he starts to "thing-afy" the girl. If he doesn't see her as a person, it's easier to believe that he can control her. Usually "thing-afying" is seen as verbal abuse- calling someone "stupid" "fat" "Ugly"- basic put downs. After this stage, we usually see another incident of violence, and then the cycle begins all over again.

Tarus: do people look to forward to the abuse stage just so they can experience the hearts an flower stage again

Carmel: Tarus, Yes! We usually hear from girls or women that walking on eggshells is a lot more stressful than the abuse itself.

Sirraver: Is this a life lasting situation ??

Carmel: Sirraver, if someone stays in the relationship it usually continues getting worse over time. Sirraver, have you ever seen any incidents of abuse?

Sirraver: Many not as violent in physical abuse but lots in mental abuse

Carmel: Sirraver, what sorts of mental abuse?

Sirraver: Talking down, telling fat ugly , stupid and ending up in a total lack of self-esteem

Carmel: Sirraver, are you still in that relationship?

Sirraver: I never was but i saw this happening with friends of mine

Carmel: Sirraver... what do you think of those relationships... Did you ever say anything to your friends?

Sirraver: Sure i do but one this situation starts and a woman allows it to happen , do you really think a guy will listen to me , i think its within his nature to act that way , and i think that the woman whom it happens should wake up too ?

Carmel: Sirraver, I think that men are taught to be in control- that's true. Our society does not encourage women to be powerful smart and capable. It's really important to remember that the girl does NOT control the situation- HE does... you can tell your friend it is NOT her fault- chances are he is blaming her for the abuse. The most important thing you could say to your friend is that NO ONE deserves abuse

Cyberbone: ok

Carmel: When it comes to the guy, I would really urge you to think of your own safety before you say anything to him

Tarus: Thanks for putting up with me see you all somewhere along the way

Carmel: It's important that boys be held accountable for their unacceptable behavior, and that girls get support from their community, family and friends.

Carmel: Next question?

Punk: What do you mean Carmel?

LilyCCC1: Seeing you type out the cycle of violence was like seeing my former marriage in slow motion. I have way too many vases!

LilyCCC1: The question is, how can a parent recognize the signs that a child might be being abused in a dating relationship?


Log file closed at: 11/4/97 7:42:22 PM

A break of 19 seconds occurs in the log at this point, due to the host losing connection

Log file opened at: 11/4/97 7:42:41 PM


Carmel: that it is unacceptable behavior. If they want to be respected, they need to show respect to others, otherwise they don't deserve respect.

jonpas: So, then, everybody doesn't deserve to be treated with respect?

tiskTISk: Isn't it hard to say something to a friend?? Afraid they'll go mental on you??

Carmel: Tisk, it is hard and awkward, but to say nothing at all can be dangerous for the friend. if they know you are coming from a place of concern and love for them, they will know it. Sometimes it's hard though- the abused girl can be in denial. To let her know you are concerned can open a door she didn't know was there.

Carmel: It usually takes girls and women on average 6 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before they are successful

tiskTISk: Why does it have to be the girl?? can't a guy be abused?? Tisk... true- guys can be abused by their girlfriends

Cyberbone: how do you talk to someone about their actions toward you?

Carmel: or their boyfriends, but 95% of the abuse that we see is guy to girl. That's the way it is, unfortunately.

Carmel: Next?

Sirraver: thanks :((

LilyCCC: Carmel....what places beside her parents can a girl turn..and is anything being done in schools to educate girls about abuse?

Carmel: Lily.. some schools are doing education on dating violence. There are hotlines that people can go to. I'm looking up a National Teen Violence Hot Line right now- I'll get it to you. Hot lines are anonymous- the calls are free. They don't show up on your parents phone bill. You don't have to be in immediate danger to use them. You can call just to ask questions. You can call your local police to find out the Hot Line numbers.

Carmel: The National Organization of Victim Assistance is ; 1- 800- 879-6682

Carmel: National Domestic Violence Crisis Line is: 1-800-799-7233

Carmel: Anyone can call anytime. If you are a friend, like you Sirraver, from the person being hurt. Did you get those numbers?

LilyCCC: Yes Carmel..thanks! Next question?

Sirraver: Don't mind me asking but i have a few questions here. First of all (no offense) who is Carmel? (bear with me, I'm Dutch ). Second- didn't the latest emancipation wave do anything on this subject , and third- what is in a girl's mind to allow a guy beating her or abusing her ??

Carmel: Sirraver... i am a community organizer with a domestic violence prevention program in California USA.

Sirraver: Good job :)

Carmel: The emancipation wave which started in the 1970's did a LOT for this movement. Before then there were no shelters, no hot lines, and no one was talking about domestic violence. Over the past 20 years, we have started to open up about the abuse women and girls have been experiencing for over 7000 years! We still have a long way to go!

LilyCCC: Amazing Carmel..isn't it?

Carmel: As for your third question- First, girls usually are very confused. They usually love this guy for who he CAN be. Second, our society promotes this idea that it's SO important to be loved at all costs.

Carmel: She is probably being told by him that she brought this abuse on herself and no one is telling her otherwise. A lot of times girls don't know who to turn to. Adults are seen as inattentive and peers usually don't have the answers.

Carmel: Next?

Sirraver: thanks :)

corvette75: men hit girl girls do not press charges men found out NO MEANS NO NO man a boy men don`t beat girls or who mental macho man mano

LilyCCC: Tisk..your question?

tiskTISk: But who can guys turn to?? They are probably just as scared!!

Carmel: Corvette... it's true what you say! Girls and women should be supported in speaking out and pressing charges. Unfortunately a lot of police officers don't understand how complicated the domestic violence issue can be. When a woman or girl leaves a violent relationship, she is at a 75% greater chance or being killed by her abuser

LilyCCC: Wow Carmel!! The police here in Maien were great!

Vi_Baby: how do youūkeepūcommunication open in a relationship?

Vi_Baby: sorry, but either lack of communication can lead to some type of abuse. what you don't know may hurt you

LilyCCC: Carmel, why do you think that we as women do such a crappy job of supporting each other on this issue...listen..looking..speaking out as friends?

Carmel: Vi-Baby, we need to see each other as equals. We need to support one another in opening up communication. Girls need to support girls

Vi_Baby: Carmel, I am a Behavioral Science major I have a BA, trying to work on my masters.

Carmel: Boys need to support boys in becoming more sensitve to the dangers girls face.

Carmel: Great! right on, vi Baby!

Carmel: I will be here next week.. same time same place. Thanks for your great questions and your interest.

LilyCCC: Thanks were great! here's my email address... [email protected]. Write to me... anyone.

Sirraver: keep up your work Carmel i know it can be hard but your doing a great job

Carmel: Thanks, Sirraver.

LilyCCC: Thanks Carmel! Hope to see you next Tuesday.

tiskTISk: Great Carmel, will be here!!

Sirraver: We are on a mission from God and we have angels to help us, Carmel ~‚~ ~‚~ ~‚~ Carmel ~‚~ ~‚~ ~‚~ Carmel ~‚~

LilyCCC: and thanks to all of you for your great questions!

Vi_Baby: I will be there carmel

Carmel: Vi, Sirraver- bring a friend next week!

Vi_Baby: What time do you guys chat, I entered late

tiskTISk: Vi_Baby 4pmPST!

tiskTISk: Yes Sirraver!

Carmel: Sure, Sirraver, bring anyone you like! We need to include lots of people in this discussion.

LilyCCC: Sirraver, bring anyone- we take all comers!!

tiskTISk: Sirraver, Bring EVERYONE!!!!!!!! The more the better!!!

Log file closed at: 11/4/97 8:05:37 PM

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