Entry #8: I'm just not sexy... or blond.


I ended up going to the dance with this Chinese girlfriend of mine. Her name is JoAnn. Our fathers had arranged a car pool. It would have been fine with me and JoAnn to walk to the dance, neither of us live that far but our families wouldn't allow it. So at 7:15 on the button, the doorbell rang, it was JoAnn. Her father was sitting in the car with the motor was running. Later JoAnn said that she told her father just to toot the horn but he said that was a rude way to arrive at a friend's house and that she had to get out of the car, walk up the wet path and ring the doorbell. I agree with JoAnn, it seemed like a waste of time. Besides, it was cold out so why should she have to stand there waiting for me? Then I felt like I was being rude because I made her wait an extra couple of minutes while I was running around looking for my other shoe!

As soon as we got to the dance, some guy named Tony, from JoAnn's biology class, asked her to dance. So she took off and I stood there in the middle of all that noise, watching the couples mashing into each other. I felt so out of it I thought maybe I shouldn't have come.

I mean school dances always seem to me like such artificial places. It's so hard to talk. The music is so loud and I just never feel comfortable. And the close dancing (if that's what you want to call it... it looks more like having sex with clothes on). I don't know. Maybe I'm just uptight. I felt weird and out of place. I looked around and I saw this Chinese friend of mine, Derek. He waved at me. With all those people it's just amazing he even saw me.

After a while Chaz came up to me and asked me to dance. They were actually playing a song that I like. Not too loud and obnoxious. So we pushed through all these people trying to get to a place on the dance floor, but as soon as we found a spot, the song ended, so that was that. Chaz seemed to want to talk, but like I said, dances are no place to talk. You just end up screaming and nobody can hear anything anyway, so why bother? We thought about going outside, where it was quieter, but it was cold and besides, at our school they have this rule that once you go out you can't come back in again, until the dance is over. So we were stuck.

A slow dance was starting, and Chaz asked me to dance. The lights dimmed and all these couples around us were putting their arms around each other and getting in real close. I told Chaz I didn't feel like dancing and he said that was okay, we could sit down and talk. We started moving through the crowd back to the edge of the gym, where there were some chairs set up, but before we got there, this girl named Wendie Benson asked Chaz to dance. Wendie's one of the popular girls, blond, cute. He asked me if it was all right. I didn't feel like it was all right, but I lied and said, "No problem." So he left with her. I was just standing there, feeling like a complete loser, so I went over to get a Coke, which I don't even like. There was Derek and he asked me to dance. I wasn't thrilled, but it seemed way better than just standing there like an idiot. So Derek and I started dancing. From where we were I had a great view of Chaz and Wendie. She was playing around with his hair and stroking the back of his neck. It made me feel really weird to see it. I'm not sure why. I mean, it's not like he didn't ask me to dance first. And I said no. And didn't I tell him that I just wanted to be friends? So what right do I have to be jealous? Oh, this is so confusing. Maybe it's not even possible to be friends with a guy, anyway, at least not one you really like. Chaz and I said we'd always be honest with each other and I really wasn't being honest when I told him I didn't want to dance. I really did want to dance with him! Then why didn't I do it? My parents weren't there. Why didn't I just say yes? I'm such an idiot. And when I looked at Chaz and Wendie together I thought "Of course he'd rather be with her. They're even both blond!" She's probably exactly what he likes and I don't look anything like her.

Anyway, it wasn't much fun dancing with Derek. I mean, I wasn't even aware of him. After the song ended, I made up some lame excuse to get away. I said I had to go to the bathroom (I wonder how many people in the past 2000 years have used that excuse to get away from the person they were with?)

So I went into the girls room which was packed. All the girls were putting on make-up and talking about guys. Then JoAnn came in and told me what a great time she was having with Tony who she has liked for a long time.

When I came out of the bathroom I saw Chaz and he saw me. He came over and asked me to dance. And this time I said yes. It was the first time we actually touched each other. It felt a little strange but nice. Then I started thinking that Chaz was probably thinking about Wendie and how she was a much better dancer than me. And comparing how he felt when he was with each of us. She's much better looking than me. And much sexier (which isn't too hard since I am about the least sexy girl around.)

The next thing I knew my father was standing in the doorway of the gym looking around for me! He was 45 minutes early! I was really annoyed and embarrassed. I mean, I specifically told him that the dance wasn't over until midnight, but there he was at 11:15, so what could I do? I certainly wasn't going to start yelling at my father in front of the whole school, and he certainly wasn't going to leave quietly and come back later. So I went to find JoAnn, who wasn't very happy either about leaving so early, but our parents had made arrangements for us to come and go together. Oh God! I felt like such a baby!

When I got home I just couldn't go to sleep. I took out the poem that Chaz gave me and started thinking about things he'd said to me. Maybe none of that was real. Who knows? I don't think I'm going to any more school dances.




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