|
I'm
going nuts! All I can think about is
Becca. It's obsession, that's what it is.
Like my mind is on automatic and keeps
churning out images of me and Becca
together. Most of them are pretty sexual
and even though it is total fabrication...
my imagination is on complete overload. No
control over it at all. I don't even have
to close my eyes. No matter what I'm
doing, I just keep getting bombarded by
the "Becca" movie in my mind. This is
crazy!!! I don't know how much more I can
take. And the most pathetic thing is that
I don't know what to do to make these
fantasies come close to the boring reality
that is my life.
I'm
getting so blocked up with dreams and
stuff that I can barely say hello to Becca
anymore. There's this weird wall between
us and I know I put it there. Becca used
to be my friend, at least. We talked, we
shared our feelings. I showed her my
poetry! Now I can't even talk to her
anymore. She probably thinks I don't like
her. She's so wrong! And I'm so
stupid.
After
school I was getting my books out of my
locker and Miguel getting stuff out of his
locker, directly across the hall. I used
to hate the attitude Miguel had at the
beginning of the year, but you know, since
I've gotten to know him better, in English
and all, I've come to respect the dude.
He's got dignity, which is something you
can't fake. It's something deep inside of
him. Also I think he knows something about
girls. I've seen him hanging around with
Dee. They both look really happy together.
I heard they're going out.
I
used to think Dee was this phony girl who
was more interested in being popular than
being real. But since her grandmother died
and she's been hanging out with Miguel,
there's definitely been a major change for
the better. Her face looks more relaxed.
She doesn't flash her automatic "smile
mask" every time someone says hi to her.
Looks like Miguel has had a positive
influence on that girl. That's why I
figured maybe he could give me some
advice.
So
when I saw him this afternoon, I said hi
and went over to him. I'm not into small
talk so I got right to the point. I told
him I was in love with Becca and what had
happened at the dance and me hanging up
the phone and everything. Then I asked him
what he thought I should do to get Becca
to give me another chance.
Miguel
listened carefully to what I had to say. I
knew he would, that's why I wasn't
embarrassed or anything to tell him how I
felt. He said that what made sense to him
was for me to continue the relationships I
already had with Becca. The one that was
moving along smoothly. You know, the
friendship. He said that being friends was
how things started with him and Dee.
"Don't rush things, man." Miguel told me.
"If you want this thing with Becca to be
something real, then take the time you
need to become good friends." At first I
thought that didn't make any sense, I
mean, isn't that what we were already and
wasn't it time to move on to the next
level?
But
Miguel said girls think that all guys want
from them is sex. That's why guys are
always in such a hurry to ask girls out
and get all physical. When a girl senses
that, and she has respect for herself
(like Dee and Becca) then she will back
off. She wants you to treat her like a
person. She wants you to care about her
feelings and share your feelings
with her. "So, Chaz, stop looking at it as
a game, you know, a point to score. This
isn't about scoring, it's about getting to
really know Becca, and trusting her and
getting her to trust you."
I
thought about what he said, and something
inside of me relaxed. You know, lots of
guys come in to school and brag about how
they scored with this girl or that one.
Most of them are so into the whole game
they probably lie about it just to impress
the other guys. But even the ones who are
telling the truth, about the sex they had
on Saturday night, you know what they do
on Monday? They call those same girls
"sluts." They're really not interested in
any kind of real relationship and I'm not
interested in treating Becca that way. No
way.
I
thanked Miguel. He gave me a lot to think
about.
|
