Entry #10: Off the deep end into an empty pool.


I'm going nuts! All I can think about is Becca. It's obsession, that's what it is. Like my mind is on automatic and keeps churning out images of me and Becca together. Most of them are pretty sexual and even though it is total fabrication... my imagination is on complete overload. No control over it at all. I don't even have to close my eyes. No matter what I'm doing, I just keep getting bombarded by the "Becca" movie in my mind. This is crazy!!! I don't know how much more I can take. And the most pathetic thing is that I don't know what to do to make these fantasies come close to the boring reality that is my life.

I'm getting so blocked up with dreams and stuff that I can barely say hello to Becca anymore. There's this weird wall between us and I know I put it there. Becca used to be my friend, at least. We talked, we shared our feelings. I showed her my poetry! Now I can't even talk to her anymore. She probably thinks I don't like her. She's so wrong! And I'm so stupid.

After school I was getting my books out of my locker and Miguel getting stuff out of his locker, directly across the hall. I used to hate the attitude Miguel had at the beginning of the year, but you know, since I've gotten to know him better, in English and all, I've come to respect the dude. He's got dignity, which is something you can't fake. It's something deep inside of him. Also I think he knows something about girls. I've seen him hanging around with Dee. They both look really happy together. I heard they're going out.

I used to think Dee was this phony girl who was more interested in being popular than being real. But since her grandmother died and she's been hanging out with Miguel, there's definitely been a major change for the better. Her face looks more relaxed. She doesn't flash her automatic "smile mask" every time someone says hi to her. Looks like Miguel has had a positive influence on that girl. That's why I figured maybe he could give me some advice.

So when I saw him this afternoon, I said hi and went over to him. I'm not into small talk so I got right to the point. I told him I was in love with Becca and what had happened at the dance and me hanging up the phone and everything. Then I asked him what he thought I should do to get Becca to give me another chance.

Miguel listened carefully to what I had to say. I knew he would, that's why I wasn't embarrassed or anything to tell him how I felt. He said that what made sense to him was for me to continue the relationships I already had with Becca. The one that was moving along smoothly. You know, the friendship. He said that being friends was how things started with him and Dee. "Don't rush things, man." Miguel told me. "If you want this thing with Becca to be something real, then take the time you need to become good friends." At first I thought that didn't make any sense, I mean, isn't that what we were already and wasn't it time to move on to the next level?

But Miguel said girls think that all guys want from them is sex. That's why guys are always in such a hurry to ask girls out and get all physical. When a girl senses that, and she has respect for herself (like Dee and Becca) then she will back off. She wants you to treat her like a person. She wants you to care about her feelings and share your feelings with her. "So, Chaz, stop looking at it as a game, you know, a point to score. This isn't about scoring, it's about getting to really know Becca, and trusting her and getting her to trust you."

I thought about what he said, and something inside of me relaxed. You know, lots of guys come in to school and brag about how they scored with this girl or that one. Most of them are so into the whole game they probably lie about it just to impress the other guys. But even the ones who are telling the truth, about the sex they had on Saturday night, you know what they do on Monday? They call those same girls "sluts." They're really not interested in any kind of real relationship and I'm not interested in treating Becca that way. No way.

I thanked Miguel. He gave me a lot to think about.




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