Entry #6: I don't think I'm ready...


I'm getting the strong feeling that Chaz wants to ask me out and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I mean I like him probably more than I've ever liked any boy. We are very connected intellectually, and I really enjoy talking with him. His poetry is wonderful and I feel like he respects me as a writer. But it is absolutely intimidating for me to think about shifting the relationship into an entirely different realm.

I've never had a boyfriend. And I'm not one of those girls who spends all her time dreaming about finding one. In fact, I've never wanted to somebody's girlfriend. Never! Because from everything I've ever seen around me, it looks like girls who have boyfriends just get lost somewhere in being "a couple." It's like they have to always be keeping an eye on other girls who may be wanting to "steal" their boyfriend. And they have to keep an eye on their boyfriend, analyzing everything he says and does to make sure that he still loves them. And then, and this is probably the worst part, they have to keep an eye on themselves all the time. I mean they have to always make sure they look good, hair, make up, all that stuff. And they get obsessed with their weight, probably think the guy would dump them if they gained a pound or something. And they also have to make sure that they don't speak out too much. Especially if it's about something their boyfriend doesn't agree with, or doesn't have any interest in. And they can't make any plans with their girlfriends because they have to be ready to jump every time their boyfriend wants to go out.

The whole thing sounds stupid! I mean what's the point? I'm much more interested in figuring out who I am and what I'm supposed to do than to play some insulting game by pretending that all I care about is making sure my boyfriend doesn't break up with me!

No thanks!

And even though Chaz is very cool in so many ways, I might not like him as much or respect him if I had to play the boyfriend/girlfriend game with him. So I've decided that if he asks me out I'll be very honest and tell him that I really like the relationship the way it is and I don't think it's a good idea to change it.




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