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I
was feeling great when I got to school
today. I was all set to back off from the
boyfriend girlfriend head trip with Becca
and concentrate on the friendship.
Then,
when we saw each other right before
English she looked, well, excited to see
me. She told me that she wanted to talk to
me after class.
We
had a sub in English and he was into
having us read and write an in class essay
about a quote from Higher Ground, a book
by Caryl Phillips. The line is "Men are
not naturally brutal. It is their
environment that makes them
so."
I
thought that is probably true, but I
wasn't sure. In my essay I talked about
violent behavior comes from feeling
attacked, in which case it seems like a
"natural" response. Like a survival thing.
I mean, if prehistoric man had not lashed
out at animals that tried to eat them for
lunch, none of us would be around today.
Right? But the part about being brutal in
a psychological way, you know, like saying
hateful things to other people. That
doesn't come out of a feeling of needing
to defend yourself. Most of the time that
kind of brutality has nothing to do with
being attacked, not directly. It has to do
with wanting to be the
attacker. And I have never understood that
kind of behavior. So bottom line, I agreed
with Phillips. It must be something that
people pick up in their environment. They
learn it as "the way" to behave. Even
though, there is really nothing "natural"
about it. I think if you took away all the
beliefs people have about each other and
just let them relate, one to one, they
wouldn't be brutal at all.
After
class Becca came up to me and asked me if
I wanted to go to the movies with her next
weekend. I was kinda shocked! Then I
thought that asking me out must be her way
of making up for turning me down when I
asked her to go to the dance. You know, to
make me feel better. But it couldn't be
because she really wanted to go out on a
date with me. Could she? I thought about
it, for a minute. Maybe she really did
want to go out? But no, if things had
changed, she would have talked to me about
it. Then I thought about my plan to keep
it on the friendship level. Yeah, no
pressure. But maybe that's what she meant,
you know, to go to the movies just as
friends. I wasn't sure, so I asked her,
"You mean, just as friends,
right?"
And
you know what she said? She said, "No. Not
just as friends. Like a regular
date."
Whoa!
That blew me away. Someone must have put
her up to that. Like that boy-crazy friend
of hers, JoAnn. Must be, 'cause this
wasn't Becca talking. It didn't make any
sense. Not after what she said to me about
not wanting to ruin the friendship and
all.
So
I told her I didn't think it was a good
idea. That we should just concentrate on
being friends. I expected her to be
relieved, since asking me out on a real
date couldn't possibly have been what she
really wanted to do. But you know what?
She didn't look relieved at all. She
looked confused... and even a little
hurt.
Now
I'm really confused. Do you think I blew
it?
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