Entry #12: I'm totally confused now!


I was feeling great when I got to school today. I was all set to back off from the boyfriend girlfriend head trip with Becca and concentrate on the friendship.

Then, when we saw each other right before English she looked, well, excited to see me. She told me that she wanted to talk to me after class.

We had a sub in English and he was into having us read and write an in class essay about a quote from Higher Ground, a book by Caryl Phillips. The line is "Men are not naturally brutal. It is their environment that makes them so."

I thought that is probably true, but I wasn't sure. In my essay I talked about violent behavior comes from feeling attacked, in which case it seems like a "natural" response. Like a survival thing. I mean, if prehistoric man had not lashed out at animals that tried to eat them for lunch, none of us would be around today. Right? But the part about being brutal in a psychological way, you know, like saying hateful things to other people. That doesn't come out of a feeling of needing to defend yourself. Most of the time that kind of brutality has nothing to do with being attacked, not directly. It has to do with wanting to be the attacker. And I have never understood that kind of behavior. So bottom line, I agreed with Phillips. It must be something that people pick up in their environment. They learn it as "the way" to behave. Even though, there is really nothing "natural" about it. I think if you took away all the beliefs people have about each other and just let them relate, one to one, they wouldn't be brutal at all.

After class Becca came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her next weekend. I was kinda shocked! Then I thought that asking me out must be her way of making up for turning me down when I asked her to go to the dance. You know, to make me feel better. But it couldn't be because she really wanted to go out on a date with me. Could she? I thought about it, for a minute. Maybe she really did want to go out? But no, if things had changed, she would have talked to me about it. Then I thought about my plan to keep it on the friendship level. Yeah, no pressure. But maybe that's what she meant, you know, to go to the movies just as friends. I wasn't sure, so I asked her, "You mean, just as friends, right?"

And you know what she said? She said, "No. Not just as friends. Like a regular date."

Whoa! That blew me away. Someone must have put her up to that. Like that boy-crazy friend of hers, JoAnn. Must be, 'cause this wasn't Becca talking. It didn't make any sense. Not after what she said to me about not wanting to ruin the friendship and all.

So I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. That we should just concentrate on being friends. I expected her to be relieved, since asking me out on a real date couldn't possibly have been what she really wanted to do. But you know what? She didn't look relieved at all. She looked confused... and even a little hurt.

Now I'm really confused. Do you think I blew it?




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